Something Beautiful

Revelation

2012-02-11T11:54:00.001-08:00

So, I'm not sure you know, but I've been in excruciating pain since August, and missed around 40 days of school this year. I'm not coming back, in fact, being home-bound tutored. Luckily, I'm still on track to graduate, but the fact that I have to be home alone for the rest of the year combined with the pain outweighs any joy that might bring. I had a couple pretty awful mental breakdowns these past few days. Punched some stuff, bruised some stuff, broke some stuff, threw some stuff...it's not fun when we're suffering. But last Sunday there was a sermon based on a passage in Revelation. Here's the passage:

Revelation 2:8-11

To the angel of the church in Smyrna write:

These are the words of him who is the First and the Last, who died and came to life again. I know your afflictions and your poverty – yet you are rich! I know the slander of those who say they are Jews and are not, but are a synagogue of Satan. Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you the crown of life. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. He who overcomes will not be hurt at all by the second death.

Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you, and you will suffer persecution for ten days. God isn’t saying we’ll only suffer for 10 days; that’s been quite obvious to me – I’ve been sick for four and a half years. But what He is saying is that all of this is going to be temporary. I was talking to my dad about this and asked him, “What about the people who have cancer, or an incurable illness? Their suffering isn’t temporary.” But then I realized, it is temporary – for the righteous, that is. Their suffering may lead them to death, but life comes after death. And because of that, they won’t be hurt by the second death. In fact, they will prosper – and it is in that way that their suffering is temporary. Because we who suffer are rewarded with eternal life.

Don’t give up in your times of trial. I know it’s hard – trust me of all people. I know what it’s like to suffer. I know what it’s like to hurt beyond words can express, and I know what it’s like to give up hope. But there’s something you can’t give up – your faith that your suffering will lead to something prosperous, and in the end, a rich reward.

Truth About Gardasil (Research Paper)

2012-01-07T09:29:00.001-08:00

Taylor Chitwood

Composition – 6

Ms. Ohneck

2 November 2011

The Truth about Gardasil

A mother’s sixteen year old daughter comes home crying and tells her that she has had sexual intercourse with her boyfriend. After all of the strong emotions – disappointment, anger, and denial – pass through the mother, she feel’s one more: fear. Fear that her daughter might have become pregnant; or even worse, contracted a life-threatening STD. Most likely the daughter was smart – she and her boyfriend used a condom. But what if she comes home, instead, saying that she was raped? The chances of an attacker using a contraceptive is very slim – and the chance of her contracting an STD? It is quite a bit higher. The Human Papillomavirus, or HPV, is a group of viruses that contains over 150 strains of bacteria (Human), and while only certain strains can cause cancer, the strains that are cancerous are quite life-threatening. The Gardasil vaccination was developed by Merck and approved by the Federal Drug Administration, or the FDA, to help prevent the HPV disease (Hudson). It is used for both boys and girls and is given to girls through the ages of nine to twenty-six and protects against four strains of the HPV disease, strains 6, 11, 16, and 18 (Gardasil). Although Gardasil has been shown to protect against certain strands of the HPV disease, the probability of adverse effects greatly outweighs the possibility of benefits.

Gardasil was approved in June of 2006 to protect against HPV; however, is it really protecting the population? The Human Papillomavirus is a sexually transmitted disease spread through skin-to-skin contact, particularly genital contact (Gardasil). At least fifty percent of sexually active persons receive the virus, even with the use of condoms (Human). There are over one-hundred and fifty strains of the HPV disease, and thirteen of these strains can cause cancer (Gardasil). The most common strains are: strains 1-8, 10, 11, 31, 33, 35, 39, 45, 51, 52, 56, 58, 59, and 68 (Gardasil). Many people think that the genital wart is the most common of this disease, and although it is very prevalent, only thirty types of the 150 include general warts (Hudson). Although the male is the carrier of this virus, females are the ones affected. HPV is most prevalent in women through the ages of fourteen to fifty-nine (Hudson). HPV affects 45.5 billion million people a year but only 15% of the affected are males and 28-46% are affected before they are even twenty-fix years of age (Hudson). Seventy-five percent of Americans are carriers of the disease but only one to five percent show symptoms of it (Hudson). Although some sexually active women may test HPV negative, at least 26% of those women have still contracted it (Hudson). The vaccination Gardasil was produced by the company Merck to help prevent the HPV disease. However, the question remains: is the vaccine harming more than it is helping? A “few” of the side-effects caused by this vaccination are included but not limited to: fainting, autoimmune diseases, paralysis, injection site reactions, dizziness, seizures, nausea, extreme migraines, loss of appetite, severe allergies, hypersensitivity reactions, urticarial, venous thromboembolic events, Guillain-Barre syndrome, anaphylaxis, transverse myelitis, pancreatitis, motor neuron disease, hearing/vision loss, rash, loss of feeling in the limbs, limb weakness, nerve pain, muscle pain, menstrual cycle changes, fever, and even death (Gardasil).

Gardasil only protects against 4 strains out of 150; not very great odds, especially for a vaccination. “Neither of these HPV vaccines has been proven to provide complete protection…overall, about 30 percent of cervical cancers will not be prevented by these vaccines. Also, in the case of Gardasil, 10 percent of genital warts will not be prevented by the vaccine,” (Human). Now remember, only thirteen strains of HPV may cause cervical cancer, and only two of the strands protected against by Gardasil [16 and 18, which are among the least common of all strains] help prevent serious side-effects of the disease (not even necessarily cancer). So if only thirteen out of 150 strains [may] cause cervical cancer and Gardasil may help prevent two of that thirteen, there is a very slim chance that a person is protected.

Gardasil was not thoroughly researched before its release, which makes it a danger to society. On average, a vaccination is researched about fifteen years before release. “The vaccine…been shown to provide protection against…16/18…for eight years, which is the maximum time of research…thus far,” (Human). If it is 2011, and Gardasil has been being researched for eight years, then research began in 2003. The vaccination was released in 2006 – which means only three years of research done until its releasing; not nearly enough time to decide whether or not it is truly safe. Also, the vaccination is still being researched. The number of adverse side-effects has people worried, and the FDA wants the consumers to believe that they are being kept safe. Therefore, they will continue their research. However, a vaccination should be researched enough in the beginning so there is no need for further research in the future. But the FDA continues to make its claims that Gardasil is safe; no matter the tactics used. “The cervical cancer vaccine Gardasil has been found to be safe…but another study…shows the vaccine’s maker Merck used questionable tactics to promote and market the vaccine,” (Studies). “…study conducted by two researchers at Columbia College of Physicians and surgeons found Merck used questionable tactics to obtain speakers from professional medical groups to promote the vaccine without providing a balanced view of the vaccine’s risks and benefits,” (Studies). This, of course, was ‘justified’ by the following: “Merck’s marketing strategy, they wrote, sought to ‘avoid limiting the vaccine to high-risk populations’ and instead promote it for all women, and ‘secure government reimbursement and mandates,’ such as state requirements that schoolgirls have the vaccine,” (Studies). The American population was not told the truth. They, as foreigners, were given false facts. So, not only was the vaccination not researched thoroughly; people were also not given the information needed in order to make a safe and reasonable decision based on this vaccination.
Dr. Diane Harper was a researcher of Gardasil, but after hearing about all of the terrible effects – after seeing all that Gardasil was doing – she left that field. This is a brilliant scientist who saw something that was wrong and gave up her career because she knew it was not right. Harper was very upset when she heard that young girls would be receiving the vaccination, because the testing only occurred of girls between the ages of fifteen and twenty-five (Lebanon). “All of her trials have been with subjects ages 15 to 25. ‘"This vaccine has not been tested in little girls for efficacy. At 11, these girls do not get cervical cancer - they won't know for 25 years if they will get cervical cancer,"’ (Lebanon). Also, she stated that the research done was not enough to know that the vaccination was safe for girls these ages. "It is silly to mandate vaccination of 11- to 12-year-old girls There also is not enough evidence gathered on side effects to know that safety is not an issue,” (Lebanon). So if a mother brings her ten year old daughter in to visit the doctor for her yearly checkup, and the doctor tells her all of the great things Gardasil can do for her daughter in the future, well, that’s a choice a mother will want to make. But Merck has no way of knowing the effects of this vaccination on little girls. They only did research from ages fifteen to twenty-five. Any younger is a danger to young girls. Harper was shocked when she learned all of these facts, which was, in the end, the demise of her career in the Merck medical field. Lloyd Phillips is yet another brilliant scientist who for years now has been researching the side-effects of Gardasil. "The most important point that I have always said from day one, is that the use of this vaccine must be done with informed consent and complete disclosure of the benefits and harms of Pap screening and HPV vaccines. The decision to be vaccinated must be the woman's (or parent's if it is for a young child), and not the physician's or any board of health, as the vaccination contains personal risk that only the person can value. As all of the information in the United States concerned Gardasil, since that was the only vaccine approved in the U.S. from June 2006 until this past October 2009, my comments have been focused on Gardasil,” (Lebanon). Harper also realizes that the Gardasil vaccination is being given out without the consent of parents – because now, it seems, one does not need the consent of a parent. Nine year old girls going in alone during their physical are being asked if they want to receive the vaccination – and being told how great it is and that their parents would greatly appreciate them receiving it. So of course, they are pressured into getting the vaccination and yet another child is at the risk of death.
If Gardasil was so preventative, it would not be necessary to receive the annual Pap smears. What the makers of Gardasil (and those who give the vaccination) do not make very clear when letting out information about this vaccination is that receiving these yearly Pap smears is still quite necessary. “Because these vaccines do not protect against all HPV types that can cause cancer, Pap tests continue to be essential to detect cervical cancers and precancerous changes. In addition, Pap tests are critically important for women who have not been vaccinated or who are already infected with HPV. There could be future changes in screening recommendations for vaccinated women,” (HPV). There is still a significant chance of receiving a strain of the HPV disease, but the makers of Gardasil advertise the vaccine in a way that makes people believe Gardasil is near one-hundred percent effective. The only way that someone can find all the facts about this vaccination is by digging – and digging deep.

However, Gardasil does have its benefits. Although the amount of side-effects is great, “Between 1 June 2006 and 31 December…received 12,424 reports of adverse events following immunization…with an overall reporting rate of 53.9 reports per 100,000 doses distributed...during this period, more than 13 million doses…were distributed…772 reports were serious including 32 reports of death…the vast majority…have been mild…to date, there have been 13 reports of anaphylaxis and 126 reports of urticarial reactions…the TGA estimates...rate of anaphylaxis at 2.5 per million doses,” (Gardasil). So even though certain side-effects are life-threatening, the receiving such an adverse effect is extremely rare. It is also stated, “However, any medicine could possibly cause a serious problem, such as a severe allergic reaction. The risk of any vaccine causing a serious injury, or death, is extremely small,” (Gardasil). As mentioned, all medicines have adverse side-effects, and the life-threatening allergic reactions to this specific vaccine are very rare (Gardasil). “Given the large number of doses distributed, it is expected that, by chance alone, serious adverse events and some deaths will be reported in this large population during the time period following vaccinations,” (Gardasil). So all in all, after millions of doses of this vaccination were given, it’s quite normal for there to be adverse effects amongst those who received the doses.

Although the research was not conducted thoroughly, there was much testing done before the release, because “Public health and safety are priorities for FDA and CDC,” (Human). “Studies involving approximately 21,000 girls and women were conducted to evaluate the safety and effectiveness of Gardasil before receiving approval by FDA,” (Gardasil). Another quote states, “These studies show that in women who have never been infected by HPV types 6, 11, 16, or 18, the vaccine is highly effective, both in preventing precancerous lesions that often develop into cancer of the cervix, vagina and vulva, and in preventing genital warts caused by these HPV types,” (Gardasil). Because there was so much testing done, the FDA knew of many of the side-effects before they released the vaccination. “Before any vaccine is licensed, the FDA must determine that it is both safe and effective. Gardasil…been tested in tens of thousands of people in the United States and many other countries…A recent safety review…considered adverse side effects related to Gardasil…since the vaccine was licensed. The rates of adverse side effects in the safety review were consistent with what was seen in the safety studies carried out before the vaccine was approved and were similar to those seen with other vaccines,” (Human). “Based on the review of available information by FDA and CDC, Gardasil continues to be safe and effective, and its benefits continue to outweigh the risks,” (Human).But why should there be any risks at all? In conclusion, Gardasil is effective in not treating but preventing genital warts in particular.

Regardless of the fact that Gardasil only protects against four strains of HPV, it is very effective in preventing those four particular strains. These strains include 6, 11, 16, and 18. “…highly effective in preventing infections with HPV types 16 and 18, two high risk HPV’s…” (Human). Cervical cancer is also the most common of the cancers among women (Human). “This vaccine is an important cervical cancer prevention tool that will potentially benefit the health of millions of women. Every year, about 12,000 women are diagnosed with cervical cancer and almost 4,000 die from this disease…worldwide, cervical cancer is the second most common…in women…” (Human). The strains of HPV 16 and 18 account for 70% of the cervical cancers (Success), so two of the strains that Gardasil protects against are two that are consistent with that of cervical cancer.

So, people must look at the risks compared to the benefits: over one-hundred deaths have been reported, and it cannot even be said if any have actually been saved by the vaccination. Virtually no research was done, and the research that was done was inadequate, in that there are still such a large number of adverse effects. Merck never released the information that was necessary in knowing when the vaccination was approved, which creates a lack of trust in whether or not the vaccination was indeed made properly. Even though the number of serious and life-threatening side effects may be low compared to the number of doses received, the fact still remains that there are many deaths as a result of the vaccination. Dr. Diane Harper knew that something was going on with this vaccine, and because of this, she actually left this medical field. She saw that a vaccination tested on girls aged fifteen – at the youngest – was being given to girls at the age of only nine. If a doctor is willing to give up her job because she knows that things are not going the way that they should be, then there is no point in keeping the vaccination around. There is so much controversy over this topic, when in all actuality there should be no controversy whatsoever. Does someone really want to tell their nine year old daughter that they want her to receive a vaccination that will help prevent her from getting cancer when she has sex? This is a nine year old girl – she shouldn’t even know all the details about sex, let alone be thinking about it! So why have they approved this vaccination for kids under the age of consent? Just think about it, just for a moment; someone may be all for Gardasil. After all, it’s a vaccination that was made for a great purpose. It was meant to protect people’s sons and daughters from this disease – this cancer. But what if it were a close friend? What if it was son, niece, cousin, granddaughter, or godson suffering because of a vaccination that someone thought was keeping them safe? That changes a lot, doesn’t it? In a survey conducted, thirty out of thirty people said that they will not/did not allow their child/children to receive the Gardasil vaccination because of all of the effects they heard about (Truth). Three of those people had daughters who suffered from adverse effects as a result of the Gardasil vaccine (Truth). What people do not realize is that the dangerous effects are very real. This is not the conspiracy theory that some people are making it out to be. Young women and young men are suffering because of a stupid mistake. The world is not against vaccinations meant to protect us; it is against vaccinations that are harming us. One may be worried that if their son becomes sexually active with his girlfriend, he can pass HPV onto her. One may be worried that if their daughter becomes sexually active with her boyfriend, she could contract the HPV from him. While all this is a legitimate concern, people have to ask themselves this question – if a daughter or son did end up becoming sexually active before one wished them to, is getting them this vaccination really worth it? Is having a child with extreme health problems worth this risk? After all, a daughter with genital warts is better than no daughter at all.

What I Miss

2011-12-29T10:27:00.001-08:00

You know that expression, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone,”?. I think for everyone, at least once in their lifetime, that saying becomes an extreme reality. I know that for me, that expression has come to life too many times; so many times it feels like I’m at my breaking point and I just don’t know if I can handle anything else thrown my way. I think it’s easy for us to take the simple things for granted, because the simple things are what are just, well, granted to us. Even the ridiculous things that we’re all born with. Strength, emotion, talents…it’s incredible how easy all of those can crumble because of one mistake made by someone who refused to fix it.

Don’t think I’m bragging, because I’m not. I don’t think I was necessarily born with more talents than others, but I do think that unlike some, I’ve come to recognize mine. I understand that I am a talented singer, athlete, and I’m more outgoing than most. I know that I have a talent for getting up in front of people and acting, and that I can empathize and that I’m a good listener, and that I’m very strong.

A lot of that changed, you know. I know that my talents are still down there, and that most of them still are potent today. I still sing and I’m still outgoing. I can empathize even more, and I’m still a very good listener. But the tough thing is, I can’t be the athlete I used to be. I can’t act anymore, because every time I start something, I have to stop because another health problem arises. I got cut from the softball team in 10th grade because they told me that I’m a liability. People think I’m strong, and perhaps in a way I am. You can’t go through what I’m going through without having a certain strength to carry you. But you know, a lot of it’s a front. I wish I could have the strength that people think I do. I wish I didn’t break down and spend hours crying some nights because I don’t know how to handle the pain anymore. But I do.

I miss that the most, I think. I know that I didn’t always used to be the strongest person ever, because everyone has their weaknesses, but I did used to be a pretty solid rock. I know that this situation has made me stronger – but I think it’s given me a different sort of strength. It’s a strength that says I can’t let anyone break through the wall, because if they do, they’ll finally see that I’m not who I appear to be. And I don’t think I can ever let that happen.

Email to Merck

2011-12-18T11:38:00.001-08:00

Hi. My name is Taylor Chitwood. I am a seventeen, almost eighteen year old girl who is getting ready to go off to college next year. It's an exciting time, but it's a little nerve-racking as well. I know this isn't going to be a formal letter, and maybe that is what you were expecting. But I have no desire to be formal with you, because I want you to know my true feelings. I am sitting here, on my bed, wondering how my life took such a rough turn. I am hooked up to a machine because I am in excruciating pain; pain that has not been relieved for over three weeks now. It is my senior year. I have missed over three weeks of school, and I cry daily, wondering how on earth I am supposed to catch up. How I'm supposed to go to college next year, if I am going to be in this pain all of the time. Because of Gardasil.

I don't want you to think I am angry with all of you. Because as true as that is, I'm more upset. I don't think you realize the hell we have all been through. I cry myself to sleep almost every night, scared to death of what is to come the next day. What if I am in pain for the rest of my life? Unfortunately, the pain isn't all that I've been through. Four years ago this past September, I changed from an incredibly healthy, active, outgoing girl, to someone who is constantly in pain and afraid to show her true feelings because I have to be strong. You see, I am a pastor's daughter. I've lived the fishbowl life ever since moving to Fort Wayne almost ten years ago, and let me tell you, it's no fun. Everyone expects you to be perfect and strong, but sometimes you can't. My strength was tested when I became sick. When I had my first seizure September 8th of 2007, I attributed it to a Cross Country race. But September 11th of that same year I had another one. I wish you would have seen it. I was screaming in agony, and I was begging to be relieved of the pain that did not go away for hours.

The seizures and the pain aren't all that I have gone through. I don't want to give you a sob story, because I know you get a lot of those. But I do want to give you the truth. I have been through pretty much literal hell. I'm losing my hair, losing weight I don't have. I've lost friends and boyfriends. I still hear the rumors - the rumors that I'm faking everything for attention. What I don't understand is why I would fake something that took away my life. I don't have my license, I had to miss mission trips and youth group events and was cut from the softball team because I am a "liability." I had to quit Cross Country and other after-school activities. The only relief I feel is in the knowing that maybe I can help save others lives. But it's hard when I have so many people telling me that they don't care, or they don't believe me.

You don't understand what it's like. Obviously, you couldn't - it's impossible. But sometimes, I kind of wish you could. Even a small part of what I deal with on a daily basis. I could go on and on about how unfair all of this is, but I just want you to understand.

Doctors actually gave up on me. I wasn't worth it to them. They lied on my transcripts, practically saying that I am crazy. I know I'm not. They told me it's all psychological, or that I'm faking, or that I'm controlling everything. But why would I do that? Why would I make something that causes so much pain happen? It's obviously something incomprehensible.

You know, I don't exactly blame you. I know you all set out to create this incredible vaccine. That's not bad - but you aren't fixing your mistake. I have to live with that mistake on a daily basis, and I don't understand why. I mean, why would God choose me to suffer through this pain? I don't know yet. Maybe I never will. But perhaps it was for this moment.

I know that I am only seventeen. I know that I am just an old hick from Indiana that might not have a clue what she is talking about half the time. But this time, I do know what I'm talking about. Because it's affecting me. I see my dad cry, and my heart breaks. This isn't fair to my parents. They shouldn't have to sit there and watch their child suffer, knowing that they can't do anything. I'm crying now, and I wish I could blame it all on you. But you know, I really can't. God let this happen. You created the vaccine, but all of this happened for a purpose. Maybe the purpose is that I can change even just one of your minds.

I'm only seventeen. I'm just one girl. I have no idea what impact this email might have. I have no idea if you even read it. But I want you to know that I pray daily for a change of heart. Because this isn't fair to us. I don't want to have to watch my parents and family cry because they see me in pain. I don't want them to wish the pain on themselves, because I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Not even you. Because it isn't fair to anyone.

Please consider a change of heart. I don't know the impact this might have on you, but I truly wish that you take everything I have said under true consideration. I hate being sick. I hate hearing that I fake all of this. I just want it all to end. I pray for you all. Because this needs to end.

Understand that I don't hate you. I might say I do sometimes, but I don't. Not really. Because I know that you set out to do a good thing. But it turned bad. And I don't want to have to deal with this anymore. I want you to know that I don't wish this pain upon you, because I understand that your hearts were in the right place. But ask yourselves - where are they now?

Please take everything I have said under consideration, even if that is all that you do. Don't I deserve at least that?

May God lead your hearts onto the right path,

Taylor Renae Chitwood

Little Mark Oehler

2011-10-18T18:04:00.001-07:00

I guess that title’s a little deceptive…Mark was 11 years old. But he’s always going to be little Mark to me. I loved that kid, and it tears me up knowing that I’m never going to see him smile and say, “Taylor, guess what Butterscotch and Sassy did last night?” again. Yes, those were his two cats. Mark loooved to talk about those cats, and I loved the look on his face when he did talk about them.

Mark had the biggest crush on me; I had already known it, but I remember the first time that he actually told me. We were at an Upward game, and were about to leave, and Mark got in the van real quick when I was the only one there and goes, “Taylor, I like you.” I go, “Aw, well that’s sweet Mark.” And he gets the most serious look on his face, looks me in the eye, and says, “No, I’m serious.” It was the cutest thing and I will never, ever forget that.

I still have (some of) the pictures that Mark made me. I say ‘some of’ because that kid had at least three new pictures/drawings/crafts for me every Sunday, and I had to throw some out. But I had to keep a couple. Whenever he was saying ‘to’ or ‘too’ he would spell it ‘two.’ So it would be “From Mark Oehler, Two Taylor” or “I love two have a friend like Taylor.” Mark was really the sweetest kid. He always made sure he had a hug from me before he left Sunday, and would always talk about me coming to babysit him. “Taylor, when’re you gonna come babysit me?” he’d ask.

Zach, his brother, is the cutest too. He’d tease Mark about having a crush on me, and Mark would blush and say, “shut up Zachary!” I would laugh silently every time because the exchange was just too cute. And although I’m going to miss him, I’m glad that at least he is celebrating with Jesus right now. I know he doesn’t want us crying for him, because he is happier than any of us, but I can’t help it. I mean, he’s really gone. An eleven year old boy just had life ripped out from under him. How is that fair? He’ll never fall in love, never go to his first prom, never get married, never go to middle school or high school or even college. Even though I know he is better off than all of us still here on earth, is it selfish that I still want him here with us?

Goodbye little Mark. I love you and always will. Say hi to Jesus for me sweetie.

Love,

Miss Taylor

Living on Faith Alone (Senior Composition Memoir)

2011-09-27T13:03:00.001-07:00

Pain is something that we all deal with, some more than others. Four years ago, I became one of those ‘others’. I often wonder ‘why.’ Why is God putting me through all of this? Why does the pain never seem to stop? But most of all: What did I do to deserve all of this? The hurt came first: hurt so intense that thinking is almost agonizing and breathing is near impossible; it feels as though someone is wrapping their hands around the bones in my back and slowly splintering each one of them. Later I was told that I’m not going to get better. All of my problems, well, I’m going to have to deal with some of this forever. Therefore, I had to come to terms with that. God always has a plan, and I know now I cannot be suffering for no reason. However, when it all started, I had no clue what to think.

When I was thirteen, I received a shot that changed my life. A vaccination that would ruin what are supposed to be the best years of my life; the years that I’ve supposed to be enjoying. I remember the first time I realized that I was ill. It wasn’t right away, like it should have been. Instead, it took two attacks to finally realize how sick I had become. The first attack began like this: I’d run a cross-country race over at Indian Springs and finished in just over fourteen minutes. I was so proud of myself. But then I blacked out. When I felt better, I walked over to a bench and started shaking. Spasms so terrible that I couldn’t see because the halls were, in my eyes, shaking as if I was experiencing my own personal earthquake. The room was bright, my head was hurting, and I was sweating as much as I had been during the race. When it all finished, I cried. I didn’t understand; I was so terrified that something was seriously wrong with me, and it didn’t occur to me until later that there was. I told my parents and they brushed it off, because after all, the exercise was what must have induced it. This was our explanation…until it happened again.

I was in my 8^th grade history teacher’s class, when I suddenly felt faint. I told the teacher and walked outside to sit against the lockers. Soon I stopped breathing, the hallway got bright, and my head viciously struck back against the locker. Once again, I started to seize. For forty-five minutes, I was going through the most extreme workout I’d ever experienced. My muscles were compressing repeatedly, seizing so hard that I couldn’t breathe, see, or walk; the only thing I was able to do was scream. And I screamed over and over again, “Oh, my gosh! Please, make it stop! Please, it hurts too much! Please just stop it!” That was all I could say between shuttering sobs. From there it just got worse; Convulsions, fainting, paralysis, swollen lymph nodes, crazy allergies, insomnia, lowered immune system, mood swings, hair loss, weight loss, appetite loss, migraines, limb weakness, dizziness, incredible nerve pain, stomach pain, muscle pain, weakness, tremors, rashes, temporary vision loss...but because of the vaccination, nothing was able to be proved medically.

Doctors gave up on me. Therapists told my parents I was controlling my seizures. A teacher told my class that I faked my convulsions because I didn’t receive enough attention at home. And once we finally filed a lawsuit, we found out that one of my doctors lied about my medical history. He wrote that there was a history of bipolar relatives in my family, that my seizures had begun before I received the shot, and that I had been seeing a therapist since 5^th grade for anxiety. He wrote that my problems were entirely psychological and because of that, it was his word against mine. In order to receive a feasible lawsuit I would have to go to court, and everything would most likely fall through. And as a result, we couldn’t receive a true settlement.

But even though doctors do not believe that I suffer from this vaccination, and won’t refer me to the specialists I need to see, the rumors are the worst. I’ve heard through the grapevine that I’m faking it, pregnant, and/or insane. They never stopped. I still hear them now. What’s worse is that they still hurt as much as they did when it first began.

I think a fear that everyone has is being sick and never being healed; that’s one of mine, and it’s one that’s been confirmed. When the doctors told me there was nothing they could do, I gave up. I might be able to control my symptoms, but they’d never go away. And when I developed new symptoms, well, I obviously couldn’t go back to those who had given up on me. I had to quit softball and cross-country, miss my mission trip and Cedar Point; I’m seventeen years old and I still don’t have my license. I might not be able to get a job or go to college. And this is all because my illnesses are never going to go away. But it’s all in God’s plan right? Well honestly, His plan really sucks.

But the 8^th of March 2010, something inside of me transformed. Then March 10^th of the same year, I had my last seizure. My father later told me that he was praying on that same day, the 8^th of March, and he clear heard God whisper, “I will heal her.” And two days later, God told him, “I have healed her.” And that day, March 10^th of 2010, I was healed. I have been seizure-free for over a year and a half, and I’ve finally been able to come to terms with the fact that bad stuff might still happen to me, and that I may never totally heal. But God took away the one thing that was ruining my life: the attacks. And even though I might never stop suffering, He’s going to be there for me.

Yes, there are times when I am living on faith alone; but those times…those are the times when I’m strongest.

Venting

2011-09-13T12:09:00.001-07:00

Okay, raise your hand if you’ve noticed that I tend to go off on tangents when I’m writing. Those of you who AREN’T raising your hand are either lying, or you are a first time Something Beautiful reader. Well this time I’m not going to do anything other than vent. Because we all need to vent once in a while and right now I am so mad.

I hate this. I hate this pain. I hate how it feels like someone is slowly breaking every bone in my back. I hate how my back spasms and how when it finally relaxes, the pain gets worse. I hate how when it spasms, it’s almost like my back is trying to get away from this pain.

I hate Merck. I hate the FDA. Where do they get off on screwing people over with a vaccine that killed all the drug-trial girls and that was only tested for two years? Where do they get off on not admitting the crap that they’ve put people like me through? Screw them. I really do hate them. There are times when I don’t care that that’s a sin, because I feel like they deserve it. I hate this pain; I hate how it hurts so bad that I can’t concentrate. I hate how the nurse doesn’t even care; how she acts like she doesn’t believe me. I hate how she rolls her eyes when she sees that it’s me coming down to the nurse.

I hate how I’m having to give up all this food. Cheesecake and Taco Bell and now even pizza and lasagna. It’s sad that now I miss my gluten free macaroni and cheese made with rice milk, chunk cheese, gluten free spaghetti noodles, and soy-free dairy-free butter. I can’t eat potato chips or have treats for awhile. That sucks. I love all of that stuff and now I can’t eat it.

I hate how I had to give up softball. I hate how I had to give up my honors classes and my straight-A’s. I hate how I can’t even get a scholarship. I hate not knowing if I’m going to be accepted into IWU because of all of this.

Yeah…life sucks sometimes.

The Power of Writing

2011-09-10T11:26:00.001-07:00

I honestly cannot imagine not being able to write. Whenever I hurt, I write. Whenever I am happy, I write. I write in sorrow, anger, joy, frustration, exhaustion, times of anxiety, during lack of faith, during abundance of faith. I write to praise, to complain, to thank, to question…I write to express myself. I write through journal entries, through prayers, through song and poem, through blog. Writing is therapy in disguise; when I visited a counselor she urged me to write my thoughts down…and surprise! It automatically relieved my stress-level.

What I love most about writing is that you can just be yourself, and nobody can say anything about it. They’re your own thoughts, opinions, fears, hopes, dreams…not one person can take that away from you; and that’s why I love it so much. I love being able to express myself through words written on paper, because there – on that paper – not everyone has to see. It can be just for you. I love being able to lose myself in a journal, writing so fast that sometimes even I can tell what the words are. Writing is just absolute freedom; for me, there is absolutely no “without it”. I love being able to write down what I want to write down; I love the fact that I can write down my prayers and know that no one else but God can see them. I love knowing that when I write, it’s me. I can write what I want, where I want, when I want, how I want; nothing is there to stop the flow of thoughts that just keep coming without cease. There is one thing that I do not like about writing however: I do not like to be forced into a topic. In a way, when I am forced to write about a single subject, I feel suffocated…as if my thoughts are not my own. I also know that I do not do as well when I am forced to write on a single subject; it is better when I can choose from a range of topics, but all-in-all, it is my least favorite part of writing.

I myself believe that I construct my thoughts well on paper. I believe that writing is one of my fortes because I’ve been writing since I can remember. In my personal opinion, my past experiences (good and bad) have allowed me to come up with good topics, which in turn results in a decent paper. I think I have a wide vocabulary; however, I am extremely bad when it comes to grammatical errors. I find that it is hard for me to understand where to put what, and once in a while, even how to put what. It may sound good in my own head, but it could hardly make sense in the readers. I also find that I tend to put extra words in places where they do not need to be; or even as this past statement shows, I tend to state the redundant. I think I have trouble in these areas because I have so many thoughts in my head that they just flow out on paper in a way that makes sense to me, but nobody else. I just write what I feel, and although this may be good at times, it can come out jumbled and contain many errors that I tend to overlook.

My goal to become a better writer is one that I’ve had for many years but have not necessarily acted upon: I will aim to come to a mentor such as Mrs. Ohneck, my father, or others in any spare time that I have so that they can check my writing continuously to help point out the errors that I have made and have not caught myself. I chose this because sometimes I can be quite strong-willed and not believe that I have to receive help when I know the contrary. I believe this will help me become a better writer because accepting help will help me learn from the previous mistakes and hopefully prevent me from making them in the future.

Anaïs Nin said, “The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.” I love this quote because it pertains to my philosophy of writing so perfectly. It is when I cannot portray myself through spoken words that I take to pen and paper. On paper you are who you want to be, and not who everyone else says you should be; because on paper, you can’t be judged. I think I took to writing so much because I have an inane fear of being judged…being misunderstood and disliked for my beliefs. On paper, those things can’t happen – because everyone else writes the same way. Hypocrisy would be at its fullest if one did judge, because they know deep down that they honestly have no room to speak.

Pain

2011-09-10T11:24:00.001-07:00

I have been in so much pain lately. My back and my neck, at some points my legs…it’s an excruciating pain that’s so difficult to bear I cry sometimes. My back will spasm and
I’ll lose my ability to breath, because I’m hurting so bad. I got an MRI, and it came back normal. Doesn’t it always? There’s never anything wrong with me, according to the doctors. And because of that, they just give up on me. Since when is that fair? How is it fair that I, a seventeen year old girl who is supposed to be enjoying the best years of her life, is going through so much pain, and I’m just given up on? Yeah, it’s not fair. And how sad is it that sometimes…sometimes I wonder if there is anything actually wrong with me. I mean, logically I know that this isn’t true; a healthy girl doesn’t experience extreme health problems out of the blue because she’s okay. But so many people have told me that it’s in my head that it becomes more and more difficult to not listen to them.

I know my pain isn’t psychological. I know I’m not crazy [well, that’s what all crazy people say ;)], but sometimes I feel like I am. And, it’s like, who can I really turn to? Okay, yes, the obvious answers are there – God, my family, my friends…but sometimes it’s hard for even them to understand. My family and friends, I mean – God obviously does. But, sometimes He isn’t the first person I turn to when I’m in pain; mentally, emotionally, and physically. Because God is the obvious answer to all pain, right? Of course He is. So why is it so hard to recognize and act upon that knowledge? Is it pride? No. I’m willing to ask for help from others. Maybe it’s because it’s hard to be real with myself – I don’t want to be in pain, therefore it is hard to accept that I am. And when you can’t be real with yourself…well, you definitely cannot be real with God. And God wants us to be real with Him. And isn’t that why He is there? To accept us in thick and thin, pain and purity, weakness and strength…so why can’t I accept that? I guess I need to work on that.

God is there for me…my pain is His as well.

Surviving the Impossible

2011-08-27T11:55:00.001-07:00

(This is my personal statement for my senior composition class.)

I am like a geode; except inside out - and none of it has to do with appearance, but with emotions. On the outside I am a bubbly person who loves to talk and make people laugh. I act like that because I don’t want to let people see just how much I suffer.

Take your worst day. Now multiply it by ten. That’s pretty awful, isn’t it? Now, multiply it by another hundred. This is what my life has been like for the past for years. September 8^th of 2007, I had my first seizure. I was only thirteen – thirteen and clueless. What was happening to my body? Was it because I had just finished with a Cross Country meet? Yes, that must have been it. But why was I shaking? Why was everything so bright? Why was I so dizzy and pale? Most importantly, why couldn’t I stop? We attributed everything to my race – after all, I had just run the hardest I ever had before. A logical explanation; one that I wish would have stuck. September 11^th of that same year, I began to seize again; and just like with Joshua blowing the horns, the walls came crumbling down.

This seizure was so much worse than the first one. I was seizing uncontrollably, with vicious jerks that resulted in painful bruises and pulled muscles. I could barely breathe; I was in that much pain. Worst of all: I was conscious. So it couldn’t be a seizure, right? I mean, you can’t be conscious during a seizure. That is false; completely and utterly false. I wish that I had been unconscious; I wish that I hadn’t been able to feel the pain. I wish that it would have stopped right there, but my life has turned out to be another “Job.” Everything has been taken away.

The seizures were just the beginning – because God couldn’t end the pain there. Seizures, fainting, paralysis, swollen lymph nodes, crazy allergies, insomnia, lowered immune system, mood swings, hair loss, weight loss, appetite loss, migraines, limb weakness, dizziness, incredible nerve pain, stomach pain, muscle pain, weakness, tremors, rashes, temporary vision loss…I couldn’t understand why. I still don’t understand why. Why would God do this to me? Why would He have this happen just so I could lose all that I loved? Softball, friends, mission trips, running, driving, my reputation, and the foods that I love…will I ever find out? Then again, did God ever tell Job why He made him suffer? That is what I have to remember. That God might never tell me ‘why.’ However, that does not mean that I cannot use these horrible experiences for the better.

Being sick so much has made my relationship with God suffer. For a while, I was so mad at Him. Then…I began to realize something; God never does anything without a reason, does He? Did a whale swallow Jonah just because God was mad at him? No, God knew that when the whale spit Jonah back out, Jonah would go to Nineveh and tell the people the ways of Christ. Did God have Hosea marry a prostitute because Hosea had done something terribly wrong? No again, God wanted Hosea to show Gomer Christ. Moreover, did God send Jesus to die on the cross for nothing? Absolutely not. All of these stories have a reason behind them, and maybe I need to stop looking for that reason and start looking towards God; because it’s when we’re on our knees that we’re strongest.

So, how have I been using these experiences to help shape me for the better? More importantly, how could I even attempt to use something like this for the better? Well, to tell you the truth, I cannot use this for the better – only one Man can: God. It all comes back to my absolute favorite bible verse: John 9:3.

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “But this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in his life.”

Ever since reading this verse, I realized that this might not have happened for any specific reason. It might just have happened so that people could see the light of Christ through me. So what did I do after that? I threw away any doubts and anger I had towards God. I am not saying that I don’t break down once in a while, because I still do. But I’ve renewed my relationship with Him so that others can see what He has done for me.

When people come to me and ask me how I can believe in a God that has done this to me, I honestly do not know how to answer. All I can say is that God has a purpose for me; He wants me to shine…so shine I will. I’ve let these experiences shape me, so that I can use them to guide other people. One of my really close friends was going through an absolutely terrible patch in her life. I was able to remind her through my own experiences that God is writing her story; and all though this chapter might be awful, there is going to be a happily ever after. I also told her one of the things that my father told me. He said, “Taylor, the devil only hurts those who are a threat to him; which must make you one huge threat.” She took that saying just the way that I did – when my dad told me that, I took that information and decided to use it against Satan; because if he believes that I’m a threat, then I’m going to be the biggest human threat that he has ever faced.

Throughout these years, I’ve been able to accept what’s happened and what’s happening. I’ve been able to strengthen my relationship with Christ and use that renewed relationship to shine for others. It’s shown me that I can survive the impossible; I can survive something that not many other people would be able to.

It sounds somewhat ironic, but part of me thanks God for letting this happen to me. This experience has made me stronger than I ever thought that I could be. It has made me a stronger person emotionally, physically, but most importantly, it has made me stronger spiritually.

So let the waters rise if He wants them to, and let the raging storm bring me down onto my knees, because now I know that I’m going to be able to handle anything thrown at me.

Elizabeth Ott

2011-08-05T11:26:00.001-07:00

Yesterday a girl in my grade died in a car crash. Her car flipped over multiple times after she drifted into the other lane and lost control. Because she was not wearing a seatbelt, she flew out of the car and died on impact. Her name was Lizzie Ott. Me and Lizzie were very close friends in middle school. We bonded because both of us were somewhat of outcasts. In high school, as usually happens, we drifted apart. We stayed friends for awhile and then became friends with different people. Although we still talked, we didn't have what we had before. This past year, our junior year, Lizzie just became another girl. Kind of annoying, but isn't everyone? Anyways, I feel like I was very mean to her. And not even directly to her face. We talked about her behind her back like jerks and I regret it all now. I thank God that she was a strong Christian because that means that she is with Jesus now. I don't know how I would be dealing if she wasn't, because what if us making comments kept her from Jesus? Thank God it wasn't like that.
Lizzie really was a sweetheart. She could be moody sometimes, but so can everyone else. She really said things that made others laugh and things that lifted others up. I'm glad she's in paradise right now. I just - I wish it didn't have to happen so soon.
I love you Lizzie, and I'm so sorry about everything we said about you. I hope you can forgive me. Tell Jesus hi for me, okay sweetheart?
Love,
Taylor.

Bucket List

2011-07-31T12:01:00.001-07:00

1. Stand in two places at once (Yes, I stole that from A Walk To Remember)
2. Marry my best friend (Hope he's rich)
3. Be completely healed
4. Get Merck off the drug-making market FOREVER
5. Visit Europe (For my honeymoon maybe - if my husband is rich. (see 2))
6. Adopt a child from the poorest part of Africa
7. Die in my sleep
8. Be the lead in a musical
9. Go bungie jumping
10. Have the means provided (and make it into) for Indiana Wesleyan
11. Achieve a 10.0 GPA my senior year of High School
12. Keep in touch with my family after I move away
14. Eat an entire large (GLUTEN) pizza by myself
15. Rollerblade through France
16. Successfully cook a pastry (any kind, and a real one, not ones that come in the package for the oven) in an easy bake oven.
17. Learn to read braille
18. Buy and read through a spanish Bible
19. Finish my Bible
20. Learn fluent sign language
21. Eat something foreign (and swallow!)

Senior Year

2011-07-25T10:39:00.001-07:00

Holy Crap. I’m a senior now? How crazy is that. In a few short weeks I start my senior year, and while I am excited beyond words (uhhh DUH), I’m also a little freaked out. I’m glad that I decided not to take Advanced Composition Honors and Honors Literature this year, but it feels somewhat strange since I’ve been taking advanced English since I was in the 7th grade. But did I really need that pressure this year? No, I didn’t. Honestly, these past five years when I’ve taken advanced classes is just to make me feel smart. Sure, I’m decently intelligent; but brilliant? Hardly. I think that I did make the right decision by dropping those two honors classes, but I feel like now I’m just not smart enough to take them. While I do know that that is not the case, I really just can’t help feeling that way. Human nature, or whatever I guess.

I am excited to start Cadet Teaching. It’s going to be brilliant. I get to help teach elementary special education kids and I am so dang psyched. It’s going to be incredible! My senior year is (hopefully) going to be everything I want it to be. Being around the special education kids is when I am happiest. My heart just swells and I smile like no other when I think about them. That’s the main reason I’m so pumped to be a senior. I finally get to do something I absolutely love, and something I know will bring me unadulterated joy. I’m so excited!!! :)

But the reason I’m nervous is that this is my last year until I’m truly out on my own. What if I don’t get into Indiana Wesleyan University because my grades aren’t good enough? Or because I don’t have the means provided for me to get there? But I know that if God truly wants me to go to IWU, then He will provide the means for me to get there. I do honestly believe that that is where Christ is pointing me to go. I mean, I was so set on going to Anderson until I went to the visitation for Indiana Wesleyan. And what happened when I got there? I immediately fell in love with it. Right now though, I’m terrified that I’m not going to be able to get into the University. Obviously, if I don’t, that’s not where God wants me to go; but it’s not like I’m not going to be disappointed beyond anything if I’m rejected. That’s why I’m putting so much pressure on myself for this year. I know it’s wrong, because the last thing that I need right now is more pressure – but it’s just my nature.

I pray to God that I do great this year. I did good on my SAT, but not good enough for any scholarships. The highest my cumulative GPA will be is a 3.2, due to the health problems that I’ve had. I really hope that that does not affect where I’m able to go to school. But what I need to understand is that it is in God’s hands.

And that is where I need to keep it.

Hypocrisy at it’s fullest

2011-05-09T16:31:00.001-07:00

If you’ve read my former posts, you’d have read my post about the Holocaust. Well, this post somewhat goes hand in hand with “Holocaust.”

We’ve finished World War II in my Honors US History class, and we are now studying the Civil Rights Movements of the 1960s, amongst other things. But what I’ve found to be quite ironic whilst studying this unit is the fact that we are constantly talking about the horrors that the Jews had to face in Germany, and how evil and wretched that Hitler was. Whooooaaaa buddy, let’s read through our own history before we criticize the mistakes of others. We have to “look into the log in our own eye before pointing out the splinter in our brothers’.”

Can’t we see how absolutely evil and wretched that we ourselves were during the past towards the African Americans? Was not what we did just as unjust as what Hitler did to the Jews? Was not the torture we inflicted as painful as that inflicted on the Jewish? And were not any killed throughout the entire process?

Why is it so easy to point out the faults of others when we’re standing here committing the same sin? Perhaps to some, what the African Americans have faced do not measure up to what the Jews faced. But what about those afflicted? Pain is pain, no matter how it is inflicted nor the amount that is inflicted. Torture is torture, be it physical or emotional. Did not our own Lord tell us that every sin is viewed equally in His eyes? To Him, murder measures up to theft; adultery is the same as a lie. So why can we sit here and tell ourselves that our sin does not measure up to the sins committed in Germany? Are we all perfect? No. Do each of us have our faults? Yes. Are some persons faults bigger than others? Not in the eyes of God. “Who can say, ‘I have kept my heart pure; I am clean, and without sin’?”

When it boils down to all simplicity, aren’t we all hypocrites? Do not each one of us commit the same exact sin that we have reprimanded others for committing?

Let’s look at the log in our own eyes before we point out the splinter in our brothers’, because log or splinter, it’s equal in the eyes of Christ.

Hopelessness

2011-04-09T09:09:00.001-07:00

Do you ever feel like there’s no hope left for you? That the world is just a dark place, filled with even darker tunnels? I’m going to share one of my favorite quotes with you; if you have already read some of my blog posts, then you probably know that I am a huge Lord of the Rings fan – this quote comes from The Two Towers.

Samwise Gamgee: “It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. Full of darkness, and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the ending be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was, when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it will shine all the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding onto something.”

Frodo Baggins: “What are we holding onto, Sam?”

Samwise Gamgee: “That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.”

Quite the powerful quote, isn’t it? You learn a lot from it just by reading in between the lines. Even darkness must pass; a new day will come, and when the sun shines it will shine all the clearer. Because a new day will come. That’s not just a quote I chose because I like it. I chose it because it holds so much truth. Your shadow is going to pass, even if at the time, you don’t think that it will at that time. Something as simple as calling on the name of Jesus can erase the darkness in your life and bring the light. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be anymore shadows in your life – because there will be. But with God, the shadows will be easier to overcome. God is love. God is hope. Therefore loving God in turn gives you the hope that you need to survive.

Illogical Conclusions

2011-04-07T16:57:00.001-07:00

You know, I kind of wonder what God was thinking when He created Adam and Eve; and all of us in the long run, I suppose. I mean, He knew that we were going to disappoint him; He knew that some of us would choose to worship material-things instead of Him. Yet He created us anyways. I could never really understand how on earth Somebody could created Man out of dust. Just dirt on the ground – of course, going further, there isn’t anything/anyone on earth that could do that. But then when I really think about it, the whole process seems somewhat symbolic to me. I don’t know if God was thinking about this when he created Adam – I’m actually pretty sure He wasn’t – but God did make man out of dirt. And compared to Christ, isn’t that what we are? Just dirt. So how is it possible that He loves us anyways? How is it, that Someone so incredibly powerful, can love someone like me? Someone who has made millions of mistakes, and will make millions more? How does He love us even when He knows that some of us will spurn Him? How is it that the Most High could love us…just. dirt.

God’s grace really is a strange thing to think about. Actually, God in general is strange to think about – complicated, really. How does someone wrap their mind around the fact that He can be everywhere and nowhere at once? That He can make the Light and the Dark touch each other, even though it goes against all reason? That He is three Beings combined into One? How do we even begin to understand something that goes against everything that we’ve ever been taught throughout our education? Logically, no one should be able to be everywhere at once. Logically, light and darkness could never touch each other without one destroying the other. But there’s nothing logical about God, is there? And when we even begin to be able to wrap our minds around the concept of Him, everything else just seems…wrong. Like the ‘fact’ that the world was created from particles smashing together. The ‘fact’ that human beings evolved from other living creatures. We’ve been taught that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, even simplest things such as the fact that certain ends of magnets can stick to each other. So how do we throw all of that out of the window? How, when we’ve learned what we know to be true, drop all that? Because even though, logically, these things are correct, God could switch that around in a millisecond.

So what was God thinking when He made us? He knew that we would disappoint Him. He knew that we would walk away from Him at times. He knew that we would never even come close to achieving perfection. He even knew that it would be impossible for us to ever fully understand the concept of Him. So until God takes me from this life, I’m going to make it my mission to make sure that others around the world realize what they’re missing out on. I’ll help them create a clean slate for Christ to write His own story on. In the long run, though, it’s not going to be me making the illogical changes in their lives…it’s going to be God.

Posing

2011-04-03T09:54:00.001-07:00

In my youth group, we are doing a series called “Posing”. Today we discussed spiritual posing; how speaking Jesus and going to Church doesn’t just make you a Christian. You have to lead the Christian life and be able to accept what God has done for you. We talked about atheism, and how some atheists pose as Christians, just to be accepted. My youth pastor told us that we can’t be forcing people into posing; we have to let them accept the truth on their own – that God sent His One and Only Son to die for us on the Cross to atone for our sins, that we may have Eternal Life with Him in Paradise.

We also talked about the Pharisees. The idea of them was great - people to preach the name of Christ and speak the truth. God even told us to obey the Pharisees and do what they preached, but not to do what they did, lest become spiritual posers ourselves. But in the end, the Pharisees began to conform to the evils of the world. They became spiritual posers themselves, more worried about how they appeared than what they were speaking. They had a good presentation, but in all reality, the mask they wore was no more than that – a mask; an illusion.

God hates it when we try to represent ourselves as something that we aren’t. We have all become twisted in who we think we are supposed to be, rather than who we are. God wants nothing more than for us to be ourselves. He’s always going to be asking more from us, but all He really wants is for us to do the best that we can in the Light of Him.

In the book of Acts, chapter 5, a man and wife lied to the church about how much they had given, saying that they had given all they had earned for their land, when in reality they hadn’t. What we don’t realize sometimes, is that when we lie to each other, we’re not only lying to ourselves and those around us – we’re lying to God. Nothing escapes Him; not even the tiniest of the white lies. The man and the woman were struck dead for their dishonesty…God saw in their hearts what they were doing; He didn’t just strike them dead to scare everyone into telling the truth all of the time, although that perhaps was part of His message. Some say that God was vicious in the Old Testament, proved by stories like these spiritual posers. But God knows the hearts of all; He doesn’t just do things out of spite or because we screw up. It’s inevitable that we are going to screw up. If every time somebody sinned they were struck dead and sent to Hell, everyone on earth would be there.

Sometimes it’s hard to understand that posing spiritually is a sin. As aforementioned, God despises it when we try to be someone that we aren’t. Me? I put on a front, just like everyone else. I don’t want people to see the scared little girl that I really am inside; someone whose faith is being tested constantly, and who suffers just like everyone else. God understands that I don’t want to seem vulnerable, but He also wants me to be able to tell the truth about who I really am. It’s hard to admit that sometimes even I pose spiritually – aren’t I supposed to be the strong Christian? My father’s a pastor, for goodness sake! People expect me to live up to their standards – but I don’t. It’s impossible. Perhaps that’s part of the reason that I’m a poser in that way. I don’t want to disappoint people. I don’t want them to know that I really am scared deep down, that I’m afraid of what people think of me, and my faith is always being tested. I need to understand that this is happening to everyone, but it’s hard to admit that to myself when I know what everyone is truly expecting me to be strong.

I know that in the end, posing spiritually is one of the worst things that any of us can do. Don’t we all need to realize that? It’s hard to admit who we really are, especially when we’ve all been posing for so long. But I think we all need to understand that if the people we love can’t accept us for our faults and flaws, then they aren’t worth the love we show to them. We also need to accept those who come out and tell us their faults – those who admit they’ve also been posing. Remember that it’s not just okay to let people know who you really are – it’s what God wants you to do. Because nothing that you ever do can make God love you any less.

Holocaust

2011-04-02T10:05:00.001-07:00

In my Honors US History class, we are learning about the Holocaust. I’ve been learning about the Holocaust ever since I can remember, and it hits me hard every single time. It’s hard to imagine what God was thinking when He put the Jews through this; obviously He had a reason, He always does. But all that suffering, just to bring them closer to Christ? Maybe He wanted them to realize what they believed in weren’t exactly true, and they needed to understand that Jesus Christ has come, and will come again. He wasn’t punishing them for a terrible sin, that I know. After Jesus died on the cross, the only atonement we need make for our sins is to ask for forgiveness. It just hits me so hard, thinking about everything that they had to suffer, just for their own faith. Being separated from their families and slowly dying of starvation. The hurt and pain that they had to go through just for believing in something that you can’t see. It throws things into such sharp perspective; what would I do, if my faith were put to a challenge like that? Would I forsake God, or would it bring me closer to Him? If it came to the point of choosing between my family and Jesus, what would I do? I love Jesus more than anything or anyone in the entire world, but thinking about my little sister suffering something as terrible that the Jews faced makes my heart ache like no other. I pray to God to give me the strength to defend His name is I ever face a challenge like this.

Some of My Favorite Bible Verses/Quotes

2011-02-04T17:17:00.001-08:00

Psalm 28:5
Since they saw no regard for the works of the LORD and what His hands have done, He will tear them down and never build them up again.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

Psalm 32:11
Rejoice in the LORD, you righteous, and be glad; sing all you who are upright in heart.

Proverbs 14:10
Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.

Psalm 25:4-5
Show me Your ways, oh LORD! Teach me your paths, guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long.

Psalm 36:12
See how the evil-doers lie fallen - thrown down, and unable to get up!

"You are the only one just like you. Learn to relax in the good things you are. Be comfortable with your looks, your quirks, and your surroundings. You are unique, enjoy! Be yourself, and allow others to be themselves." -Unknown

Proverbs 20:9
Who can say, "I have kept my heart pure; I am clean, and without sin,"?

Proverbs 20:19
A gossip betrays a confidence, so avoid a man who talks too much.

Deuteronomy 6:5
Love the Lord your God, with all Your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive; because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman

Psalm 56:3-4
When I am afraid, I will trust in You; in God, whose word I praise, in God I trust, I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?

Proverbs 27:6
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Proverbs 27:6
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Proverbs 28:23
He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than those who have a flattering tongue.

Proverbs 18:24
A man of many friends may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

2 Corinthians 8:8-9
I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it with the earnestness of others. For you know the grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, so that through His poverty you might become rich.

1 Timothy 4:12
Don't let anyone look down upon you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.

Matthew 5:10-12
Blessed are those who are persecuted, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsly say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in Heaven; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

"For in the Faith rests our Salvation, and in unbelief damnation, for all Truth is clear in Him." -Ulrich Zwingli

James 5:11
As you know, we consider blessed those who persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord has finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion.

"If we love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt; only love." -Mother Theresa

"I cried when I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no legs." -Persian Proverb

John 9:3
"Neither this man nor his parents sineed," said Jesus, "But this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in his life."

People

2011-01-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

That's a very vague title, I know. But sometimes title's have to be vague to get your point across. My point? People can be idiots. Now, that's a strong statement, but think about it.
......................................
Yeah, it's true, isn't it? And I'm not just talking about some people, I'm talking about everybody. Now don't go getting all offended, because you know it's true as much as I do. Heck, I'm an idiot more than I can express sometimes! But why does even acknowledging it not stop us from being one?
Now, let me explain what I mean a little bit. When I say 'idiot', I don't mean like stupid-ditsy idiot. I mean like an idiot who thinks that they know what they're doing, even though they semi-consciously know that it's wrong.
My brother just recently went through a tough time, and posted something about it on facebook. A girl ended up commenting on it, and it was a really mean comment. She said that she was just trying to 'help' him, but how does what she say help anyone?
People don't realize how hurtful things that they are saying can be, me included. I've learned from experience to keep drama off of the computer and away from texting, because it always ends in disaster. So why haven't other people learned the same thing? It's hurtful, it's wrong, and it's definitely not smart. Sharing your drama with other people where they can't tell what your tone is can ruin a friendship, and vise versa. So keep the drama away from electronics people, because it's never going to do anything for you except get you into an unpleasant predicament.

Love Me: JJ Heller

2011-01-03T12:04:00.001-08:00

He cries in the corner where nobody sees,
He's the kid with the story no one would believe.
He prays every night saying, "God won't you please,
Would you send someone here who will love me?"

Who will love, me for me;
Not for what I have done or what I will become.
Who will love, me for me;
Because nobody has shown me what love, what love really means.
What love really means.

Her office is shrinking a little each day,
She's the woman whose husband has run away.
She'll go to the gym after working today;
Maybe if she was thinner he would have stayed.

And she cries
Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become.
Who will love me for me?
Because nobody has shown me what love, what love really means.
What love really means.

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone,
He's the man in the cell who regrets what he's done.
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me! I want to go home!"

Then he hears a voice somewhere deep inside, and it said,
"I know you've murdered and, I know you've lied;
I have watched you suffer all of your life,
And now that you'll listen I will tell you that I...

I will love, you for you!
Not for what you have done, or what you will become!
I will love, you for you!
And I'll give you the love
The love that you never knew."

Satisfied

2011-01-02T06:07:00.001-08:00

I've been wondering something lately...something that has been plaguing me; sometimes even stops me from eating when I'm hungry and can't sleep at night because of it. It's called starvation.
I look at my life, and I realize that I can never be satisfied.
How is it that I can eat and eat and eat, but then I'm still hungry?
That I can drink gallons of clean water, but I'm still thirsty?
That even when I see all that I have, I still want more.
I. Am. Never. Satisfied.
Even when I know that there are millions of kids starving in third-world countries, and even in the U.S. daily. Even when 5 year old girls in Africa are suffering from AIDS and being ostracized from their family and friends, when I'm sitting in my bed crying at night because of a few health problems.
And when I'm reminded of all these things, all I want to do is go out there and save the world.
But that's unrealistic, isn't it?
It's not just the fact that I'm only a 16 year-old girl who has no clue even where to start, but also that the entire world...that's just plain big!
All I can think of of doing right now is just being satisfied with what I have. Because it's a lot more than what a lot others do. And I don't need more.

La di di di da

2010-12-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

Revelations 21:6-8
He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars - their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death."

So, this is my facebook status right now. I once had a facebook status that talked about unbelief and hell and athiesm and la di di di da. That status in particular got a rise out of a LOT of facebook followers. I used to wonder why people don't believe in God...and I guess, to a certain extent, I still wonder that. The proof is right. there. in front of you, people! Are some just so blind that they cannot see what is right in front of their faces? Sadly, I know that this answer is yes. It hurts me to read this verse; not for my sake, but for the sake of the unbelievers, cowards, vile, murderers, sexually immoral, practicers of magic arts, idolaters, and liars...they're going to be the ones suffering a fate so much worse than death in the end. And what can I do to stop that? I'm just a sixteen year old girl with large yet naive ambitions that I do not know how to put into action. It makes me ache to know that millions upon millions are going to be out there suffering, and I'm not raising a hand to stop it. I want to bring God's healing to people, but how do I do that? Starting with these verses as my facebook status is a start, but where and how will it take off? Christians were not meant to hide their light. We are meant to set it on a hill, for all the world to see.

Growing up in a Christian home, I cannot completely understand what it feels like not to know Christ. Okay, okay; scratch that. I do not know at all what it is like not to know Christ. He's always been part of my life and He always will be. I want to give other people the taste of that water of life. I want to give them peace in the Everlasting Father; I want them to find faith in the King of Kings.

People ask me certain questions, and a very common one is 'how can God forgive me for all of the sins that I have done?' I tell them, trust me, I'm nowhere near perfect; no one is. The craziest maniac on earth can turn his life around if he gives it to Christ; he just has to mean it. Faith is a lifelong commitment; but in the end, isn't it worth saving yourself from a burning lake of sulfur?

Life Is Short

2010-12-11T15:36:00.000-08:00

People say that all the time...that life is so short, and you need to enjoy it while you can. I didn't really listen to that saying until this past tuesday. Why? My spanish teacher from last year, Mrs. Thompson, died from a brain aneurism at age 57. She was only fifty. seven. So here's a lament to her.
Mrs. Thompson.
We all had our ups and downs with you...and trust me, a lot of the time, it seemed like there were a lot more downs than there were ups. But it's that way with a lot of people, when you think about it. But when there was the ups, everything seemed...well, great. I looked forward to your class all the time. The things that you would do, like walk out of the room at the most random times, and then not show up for a whole five minutes. We had soooo many hilarious moments. Do you remember that time when Alexa was pulling out her hair? Actually you wouldn't remember that, because that was one of those times that you had just walked out. I'll tell you what happened, since you never found out. Well, Alexa has really rough and dry hair because of everything that she does to it, and so she can pull out chunks of hair out of her head. So Autumn was pulling out chunks and then she rolled it up in a ball and they handed it to me and I threw it on the ground. You walked in and you were like "What is that?!?!" and Cole was like "It's a hampster!!!!" and you picked it up and he was like "That's not a hampster!" And then the time where Cole told you he had an animal in his pencil box and when you asked what kind he said it was the paper kind? I'm going to miss you so much Mrs. Thompson.
Love,
Taylor

Faith

2010-10-22T15:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that when you say a word over and over again it begins to sound less and less like an actual word? But say faith again and again. When I do so, I can't make it sound like any less of a word. Perhaps because it's such a powerful word, and it's supposed to sound (and mean!) everything that it is. Faith is the believing, truly, truly believing, in something that you cannot physically see, touch, etc. It's the trust of that gut feeling, no matter how others ridicule you. You can have faith in a lot of things...In a person, in yourself, even in an idea. But what do most people think of when they hear the word faith? I know that when I hear that word, I think of about God and of my belief in Him. It's the belief in something I cannot see, and sometimes even in something that I cannot hear. But when I do hear it, it's one of the most beautiful and calming things in the world. Now, what is it that I am hearing? I am hearing God's voice; and it isn't lound and easy to hear all the time...sometimes it's just a gentle whisper. That's what faith really is. Believing that all your suffering can be healed and that you can find peace in the Lord.

Life

2010-10-22T15:48:00.000-07:00

Life isn't something to be taken for granted. Sure, I know that everyone says that, but has anyone really thought of it that way? I'm sure that as I ask this, many of you are shaking your head's no; and I'd guess this because not long ago, I would have been the one shaking my head. God has given us the gift of life, and He only gave us one. Because of this, I know that we are supposed to live our lives for the now; because if we focus too much on the past or on the future, we lose sight of the present, and forget to enjoy the time that we have.

Love

2010-10-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

Love is a funny thing to think about. Once again, it's a really small word, but it holds soooo much power. It gives you goosebumps when you think about what it really means. Both loving someone and being loved is one of the most powerful things we ever experience; but people don't realize what kind of sacrifice it holds on both sides...the lover and the lov-ee, so to speak. You have to be willing to give up a part of you, a part of you that everyone is afraid to give up. And it's part of your heart. It's always scary to give someone a part of your heart, because you never know how it's going to be returned to you. It might be the most painful thing that you ever experience, and it might be the best thing that you ever experience. But we can't possibly know that until we take the risk...and it's a big risk to take. Nobody wants to hear that we are going to fall in love over and over again until the perfect person comes along; because it just sounds like fairy-tale crap. And I suppose in some ways, it is. I mean, is anyone perfect? Heck no! There's a person who is right for you, but there isn't a perfect somebody out there. Trust me, I wish there was. Gosh, that would make things so much easier wouldn't it? But we weren't created that way. After everything that's happened, I'm afraid to give away a piece of my heart again. I don't want it returned to me all beaten up and useless, but I suppose that's life isn't it? If life can't be easy, then neither can love, I suppose.

For WBCL (Pastor Spouse appreciation)

2010-10-19T17:55:00.001-07:00

(I hope to be able to call this in)
My Pastor’s spouse is actually my mom; and I guess this may make me seem a little biased, but I’m not. My family has gone through some really, really tough times; I cannot begin to explain them. I have suffered from over one hundred seizures in the past three years along with allergies and tons of other problems; but my mom has always been there for me. When people were talking about me behind my back, she was there for me, comforting me and letting me know that the only opinion that matters is God’s. A couple of weeks ago my mom was in the hospital for three days after running 18 miles to train for the Chicago Marathon. I know what you’re thinking…she did this just so she could say that she did it. But my mom did this as part of Team World Vision. She ran this race to sponsor little boys and girls in Africa to give them clean water and good food. She felt that God was telling her to run this race, so she did; even after she was in the hospital. She and my father ran this race in a little under 6 hours; they ran it easy because they didn’t want anything else to happen to her. But then, once again, she was in the hospital. I didn’t see her for four days, because I stayed here in Indiana while she was over there. But my mom never regretted running this race; in fact, this makes her story more incredible. My mother is the most God-loving, kind, caring, compassionate, sweet, beautiful, selfless woman that I have ever met. She is constantly putting other people in front of herself; and I’m sure that everyone else in our church would agree to everything I said. She is one of the head Children Ministry Volunteers, she subs, and of course, she is a full-time mom to four erratic kids. And this is why I think she is not only the best mom, but best Pastor’s Wife.

Who am I? -English Project

2010-10-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

My Honors 11 English class is now competing to be my new top favorite class. Once again, we are doing a project that is amazing. But it's not an experiment; the experiment was part of a project based on Rationalism. This is based on Romanticism. And no it's not the lovey dovey type of Romantic. The Romantics were all about self-reflection. They believed that instead of finding the answers in the facts, you could find the answers in yourself, through spirituality, and emotions...through what you felt. They focused on nature and the inner-self, rather than on reasoning and facts, such as the Rationalists. Our project is to creat a journal based on ourselves; to reflect on our inner thoughts, and all in all, pour our feeling and emotions onto a piece of paper; whether it be a poem or a picture or just an entry. The catch? None. Just follow the Romantic's view on life, and to write it in our perspective; to remain purely informal and keep your emotion in it, not out of it. My journal is going to be called "Who Am I?", and this is how it starts... (I will try to update this as it goes on)
Who am I?
I am strong. I have lived a hard life, but I manage to pull through with a strength that some cannot seem to fathom.
Who am I?
I am spiritual. God has granted me the gift of life, and the only way to repay it is to give it back to Him. I allow Him to shape me as His clay.
Who am I?
I am compassionate. I (try to) love on others with everything possible within me. I am love.
Who am I?
I am confident. My hardships have helped me to realize that I can be more than a grain of sand in this sea of lif.e
Who Am I?
I am a strong, God-loving, compassionate, confident young woman in this world.
"I am, who I am." -Jesus Christ.
Life is a gift that is not to be taken for granted. I believe that "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. That's why it's called the present." Even God said not to boast about tomorrow, for we do not know what tomorrow may bring. And if God says that, then I know that to life my life to the fullest, I must live my life in the present.
I think that overall, I have a very optimistic outlook on life. I don't try to find the littlest mistakes about everything; but I do see the beauty in everything. Everything; ever rock and tree and creature has its own name. I believe that this is one of the traits that make me who I am.
So who am I, really?
Well, I believe that I am kind. I try to be kind to everyone, even when the person isn't kind to me. Obviously, this doesn't always work. But when it does, it makes me a better person. I also think that I am able to empathize. Although sometimes this can hurt me more than help me, it helps me relate better to others.
I do agree that life should be live in the present; even God stated that. And yes, to me it is true that the thought should triumph over the fact. Sometimes, things that you strongly believe in can't always be proven with concrete facts.
And that is what makes me
Who I am.

Death

2010-10-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

Wow; that title couldn't get any more ominous, could it? You want to know my theory behind that? We all fear it. Nobody wants to talk about death, and dying, heaven and hell, etc. etc. etc.

Last night I was watching the Green Mile. For those of you who don't know, the Green Mile is a movie about a Prison Guard whose job was to oversee the death penalty. A big, big black man was brought in on account of being found guilty of murdering two girls. (I could never really tell if he was guilty or innocent, but I'm leaning towards innocent.) The man was a kind-hearted guy. He had the ability to heal people, too. In the end, the man did end up executed. Everyone in the movie was crying; the guards who arrested him and the man who had to pull down the lever.

But that honestly wasn't what got to me. It was the whole death penalty thing. I know that there is a ton of controversy over that issue, and I can honestly understand why. I used to be for the death penalty; but only under certain pretences. I mean, there are some truly evil people in this world. You hear about that stuff all the time. And it's so, so sad. And yes, those people really do need to punished. But honestly, should it be by death?

My opinion is that only God should have the right to take us; and in His own time. We shouldn't decide whether a human life is worth anything. To me, we aren't any better than those murdering others. There are things seriously wrong with the people that are committing such terrible, terrible crimes. And instead of such a cruel punishment, shouldn't they receive help? Has humanity honestly resorted to murder itself? Don't get me wrong; these people really do need to be punished. But instead of killing them, lock them up for life; or if needed, put them in a mental hospital. I can't believe that I am going to say this, and please don't judge me for it...but sometimes, these people can't help what they are doing. What I mean is, in some cases, there is something completely and totally messed up in their minds. Some of them have been raised that way, some perhaps have a mental problem and don't know what they're doing. Those people need help. They don't need to die. Then we are the ones committing the murders.

God has the right to take a human life. He can, and He will, whenever he sees fit. But let's leave that decision up to Him. He created life, we should let him be the one who decides whether or not He will take it.

Trust me, I'm not going to become a super insane human-rights activist. And I'm not going to judge others for thinking the opposite of me. This is just my opinion. I really do think that these people need to be punished; but let's leave the punishment of death for God to decide.

More Beautiful

2010-09-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

Little girl fourteen
Flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way

But her hair isn't straight
Her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well, little girl fourteen
I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart

And you were made with such care
Your skin, your body, and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are!

And there could never be a more beautiful you!
Don't buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through!
You were made to fill a purpose, that only you can do,
And there could never be a more beautiful you!

Little girl twenty-one
The things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead

And you say you've gotta man
But he's got another plan
Only wants what you'll do instead

Well little girl twenty-one
You never thought this would come
You starve yourself to play the part

But I can promise you
That there's a man whose love is true
And who will treat you like the jewel you are!

And there could never be a more beautiful you!
Don't buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through!
You were made to fill a purpose, that only you can do,
And there could never be a more beautiful you!

So turn around, you're not too far
To back away, be who you are
To change your path, go another way
You're not too late, you can be saved

If you feel depressed with passed regrets
Those shameful nights you hope to forget
Can disappear
They can all be washed away

By the One whose strong, can right your wrong
Can rid your fears, dry all your tear
And change the way, you look at this big world!

He can take your dark, distorted view
And with His life, He'll show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl!

And there could never be a more beautiful you!
Don't buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through!
You were made to fill a purpose, that only you can do,
And there could never be a more beautiful you!
Yeah there could never be, a more beautiful you!

Praise You in This Storm

2010-09-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'd have thought by now
God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and save the day

But once again
I say Amen,
And it's still raining.

And as the thunder rolls
I barely hear
Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am!

And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You
Raised me up again

My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on?
When I can't find You.

And as the thunder rolls
I barely hear
Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am!

And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm.

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker, of Heaven and earth

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker, of Heaven and earth

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am!

And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm.

My Virtues

2010-09-21T15:51:00.000-07:00

So for English 11 Honors, we had to do this project; we read from Ben Franklin: The Autobiography. In the section that we were assigned, we read that Ben wrote 13 Virtues. These virtues being: Temperance, Silence, Order, Resolution, Frugality, Industry, Sincerity, Justice, Moderation, Cleanliness, Tranquility, Chastity, and Humility. Franklin created these virtues because he wanted to attain perfection; or as near to it as he could.
So, my English teacher had us create our own virtues...only three, mind you. But she wanted us to do an experiment, somewhat like Ben Franklin did. We would journal about our three virtues every day, and at the end of each week for two weeks, we would record how we did. I actually loved this idea, and I totally went all-out for it. Anyways, these are my virtues.
1) Purity: Bodily (by sticking to my diet), Emotionally (by keeping all of my thoughts pure), and Spiritually (by doing SOAP's every day).
2) Self-control: Picking a word each day that I would not use (i.e. hate, stupid, etc.)
3) Productivity: Finishing my chores and homework quickly, but efficiently.

I really have enjoyed doing this project, and it ends this next Sunday. I wish that it was going longer, perhaps for a month total. But, while it's lasted, I've loved it. So, I encourage you all to do this. Of course you won't be doing it for a grade ;) but I know that it will help you become a better person. It has for me!
Thank you Mrs. Scheaffer!

Perfection

2010-09-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

Perfection is such a scam. Of course I know that nobody can be perfect, but that doesn't stop me from trying to attain perfection. I try to be the perfect daughter, the perfect Christian, the perfect student, the perfect sibling, the perfect friend...but none of it pays of. I work so incredibly hard to get the grades I earn, but they still aren't up to where I want them to be. I love my parents, and we get along 98% of the time; but sometimes I feel like there is a big void between us. People still talk about me behind my back, even when I put out that "I love God with all my heart" aura. I am the best friend that I can be, but now I am starting to lose the friends who are closest to me. And it's because one certain person is ripping them all away from me. The only place I feel safe anymore is at Church; and the reason for that is because I know that my friends at Church are willing to look past my faults and understand that I can't be perfect...no matter how hard I try. I feel safe at home too; but I am scared to show my faults to my parents because I don't want them to love me any less. I don't want them to know my fears because I don't want to seem paranoid. I don't want to trouble them with my own troubles, because I don't want to pile stress on them.
I guess what I am trying to say is that honestly, I wish I could be perfect. I know everyone does, but for me, it's way up there on the 'wish list.'
(See post below about 'wishes.' How oh so ironic.)

Hope

2010-09-19T11:41:00.001-07:00

Hope is a funny word. It's so small...only four little letters. But there is so much power behind it. I know, I know, it's such a cliche. But you know what, some cliche's are true. And this is one of them.
Hope.
We all probably use this word at least once a day, or some form of it, without even knowing it. And usually we take hope for granted. We say it for the stupidest things, like, "I hope my hair looks okay this morning," or, "I hope that didn't sound dumb." And the people that use this word as afformentioned, me being one of them, are usually the ones who don't really know what they are saying.
Sometimes I feel like I have no hope left. Like there is this outer force pushing all of the hope out of me. And then I realize, well heck! There is. And his 'lovely' name is Satan. I 'wish' I could say that it doesn't affect me, but that would be a terrible lie. Because I think, at times, it affects us all.
We all want to know that we can depend that our hope, or wishes, will come true. We all hope that everything is going to be okay, and in the end, that everything will be just...perfect. Ah, if only we lived in a world where that was actually possible.
So think about this...
Next time you 'hope' for something good to happen to, don't use the word hope. Pray instead...in the long run, it's going to do a heck of a lot more for you than hoping ever would. Because when you hope for something, it just means that you aren't taking action. But when you pray about something...it means you are.

Triple L-G

2010-04-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

This is my book so far... pardon the typos :)

Triple L-G
[Love to live; Live to learn; Learn to grow; Grow to love.]

One of my favorite songs is “You’re Not Alone,” by Meredith Andrews. And every time I go back to that, I think, I’m not alone? Yeah right! Then where is God right now? It’s hard to believe that God is really with me; especially when so much bad has happened.
I can’t understand why life can’t be simpler. More along the lines of when I was little. When you grow up, reality just punches you in the face, telling you that it’s time to wake up. But sometimes you don’t want to wake up. Sometimes you want to keep living in that perfect little world of yours when everything was cut and dry.
Stop the pain…end the tries…live in a calm place, cut off from the worries and despair. Your own private island to escape to. But reality is that there are going to be trials. Reality is, you’re going to hurt. We can’t do anything about it. We’re going to have to make our own decisions-decisions that are going to affect our future; whether it is good or bad. But sometimes bad things happen to us no matter what. Bad things that are supposed to happen, even if they make us suffer. Me? I’m having a lot of things hurt right now. And honestly, it’s like there’s no escape. No matter how hard I try, there’s always another bump in the road. My ride is smooth, and after that first bump I’m able to repair my wheels until they’re strong again…but then comes the next bump. The cycle repeats until nothing is left.
I keep asking, “Why me?” but there’s no answer. I feel so alone. Like there’s no one around…I’m in an empty forest, and no matter how loud I call, there’s no answer. But then I realize, I’m not alone; the devil’s just trying to make me feel that way. I don’t want to live in regret. I can’t get through life perfectly – the bad is always going to happen.
I have so many favorite quotes…many of which come from Lord of the Rings. In the very first movie, there’s a part where Frodo and Gandalf are in a mine. Frodo is just realizing how dangerous his task to destroy the Ring is going to become. He tells Gandalf, “I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.” Gandalf replies, “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for us to decide. We can only decide what to do in the time that is given to us. There are powers at work in this world other than those of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the ring. In which case, you also were meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.”
Wow. How powerful is that? We all wish that the bad things didn’t happen. But that isn’t up to us. We can only decide what to do in the times like that.
In the book of Genesis in the bible, when Joseph had revealed himself to his brothers, he tells them, “your actions were meant to hurt me, but God had a far greater plan.” Although what I am going through hurts, God isn’t trying to hurt me; He isn’t doing it just because He can. It goes further than that. There is a huge plan in store for me; all I can do now is wait.

****
At the end of August of ’07, I got the Gardasil vaccination. You know, the one for the prevention of cervical cancer where the commercial always ended in ‘one less’? Too bad I ended up being one more.
Around three weeks after I got the first vaccine I had my first seizure. It basically went downhill from there.
The doctors told us that there was no possible way that this vaccination was causing my problems; so naturally, we believed them, and I got the last two shots.
Ironically, things got progressively worse. And now, over two and a half years later, I am still dealing with my problems. Add this to the normal teenage problems…and yeah, I’m pretty much screwed. Thanks to the lack of research the FDA and vaccination team made, thousands of girls have been affected, and over sixty-one have died.

*******
About two years after my seizures started, one of my friends named Caleigh also began to have seizures. Caleigh is in my youth group and had just gotten her first vaccination. Her seizures were so violent that she actually bruised up her wrist until it was swollen.
All the pieces started to fall into place. We both had seizures a couple weeks after we got the shot. We both were experiencing the exact same thing. But most ironically, (I mentioned this before) we were also in the same youth group. Imagine the odds of that happening. There is like one in a million chances of that happening. So my mom, along with Caleigh’s mom, began to do some extensive research. Sure enough, everything they found backed up our story. (To learn more go to www.truthaboutgardasil.org.)

*******
If my life were made into a movie, there’d be a very teary audience. I’m on this roller-coaster of emotions. Go a week without a problem; then the next week I have ten seizures. Get my best hit of the season during a softball game, next thing I’m in the outfield having a seizure and spraining my knee. That was the end of my softball season(s) for the next two years. This year I had to deal with everyone talking about tryouts and getting excited for the next game. And I knew that I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t even be manager. Sure, I can go to the games, but it’s definitely not the same as being part of the team. Giving up the things I love is probably worse than even the physical pain I go through.
Those who know me know that I am a carefree person. I love to live; even when life’s hard. I live to learn, so I can grow through my mistakes. I learn to grow, so I can be able to hold my ground during the hardships. And I grow to love, even when it’s one of the hardest things to do. These are some of the best things to live by. I try to do the right thing daily, and I am constantly asking God for protection. But what do you do when there’s no answer? What do you do when you feel like life’s left you abandoned? The world’s a dark, empty tunnel. But I’m reminded of my absolute favorite quote of all times. Once again, it’s from Lord of the Rings (The Two Towers). Sam and Frodo are in Gondor, in the capture of Faramire, son of the Steward of Gondor. Gondor wants to use the Ring to win the battle of Middle Earth, but Sam knows that he and Frodo must keep fighting to destroy the Ring.
Sam says, “It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness, and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the word go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out all the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to know why. But I think, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding onto something.”
Frodo asks, “What are we holding onto Sam?”
Sam answers, “That there is some good left in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.”
Every time I hear that quote, it’s like I can feel my heart swell. Just listen to it. Read between the lines. J.R. Tolkein was a Christian author, so you can understand that there was a point behind it. We all go through dark times. Some might be darker than others. But there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Like that song, “There’s a light at the end of this tunnel, shining bright at the end of this tunnel, for you.” I know that I am going through a really hard time right now, but “even darkness must pass.” A new day will come. And when my sun shines, it will shine out all the clearer. Because God is writing my life story. And even though this chapter may be crappy, I know there is going to be a happy ending.

Flashback
I was thirteen years old when it first happened. I can still remember how terrified I was. I had just gotten done with a cross-country race; even got one of my best times of the season. All of a sudden I got really dizzy and shaky. I blacked out for a couple seconds and then went inside to sit on a bench. All of a sudden I began to shake uncontrollably. I can remember every detail of what happened – even though it was over two and a half years ago.
A lady came up to me and put her arms around me, comforting me and talking me through it. I didn’t even know her, yet she still had the kindness to come over and help me.
You can’t even begin to imagine how scared that I was. But when I told my parents after the meet, they just kind of shook it off. I completely understood that, I thought at that time it was just because I had run so hard.
This was on September 8th of 2007.

The second time it happened was, ironically enough, on September 11th of the same year. I was sitting in the back of the room in my 5th period class; history. I got dizzy, and the room got really bright. I told the girl sitting in front of me because she was at the cross-country meet when it first happened.
She told my teacher and brought me outside. I sat down against the lockers and my teacher came out. He asked me, “Are you having a panic attack?” Right after he said that my head smacked back against the lockers and I began to shake again, this time even more violently than before. I started screaming and crying “OH MY GOSH! STOP IT! PLEASE!” between sobs. I didn’t even realize how loud I was being. The nurse, the principle, and the vice principle all ran down from the office and got me into a wheel-chair. It had only been around five minutes and I was already sweating profusely and was starting to get muscle cramps.
The principle asked if I was having a seizure, but she said I wasn’t, because I was still conscious (we later found out that you can have seizures while you are conscious.)
To make a long story short, the whole thing lasted about an hour and a half. Ninety minutes of excruciating pain. My parents took me home and then to the doctors straight away. They automatically scheduled me for a fasting glucose test (I would not eat or drink anything for 8-10 hours, then when I got to the hospital they would give me a drink filled with sugar and take my blood to see what the level was. They would take my blood periodically then through the next couple hours to see if I had diabetes or if I was hypo/hyperglycemic.)
The beginning of a long, painful trip.

January 9th of 2010 (after going 8 months without them) my seizures came back. Duh-dum. Duh-dum. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, duh dum…

March 29th 2009
Dear Diary,
Remember when I said that high school didn’t suck? Well, that was before everything. My seizures, Andrew, the Crims…Just everything. My old group of friends practically dumped me because they didn’t want to have to deal with me anymore. 
Proverbs 20:9
Who can say “I have kept my heart pure, I am clean and without sin?”

Ah, such the verse for me to live by. I’m such a perfectionist. I can’t be perfect, and I don’t have to be, because no one besides God is.

Proverbs 20:19
A gossip betrays a confidence, so avoid a man who talks too much.

This one is even better. There are the people who talk about me behind my back and say that I’m faking everything. It’s a total ‘duh’ thing. Why would I fake what I’m going through? Let’s put you in my shoes, see how you like it. Do you think I’m faking it now? Well, those people aren’t going to get to have much of a say in life. They’re filled with lies and deceit and those types don’t make it too far. Their friends will stop talking to them because they’ll realize that they are subject to gossip as well. So all I need to do is avoid the people who talk behind my back…here comes that old cliché, “easier said than done.”

Proverbs 27:6
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

It’s inevitable that people are going to suck up to me to get their share of (unwanted) attention. But when a friend hurts me, or tells me the truth even when it hurts, I know they are still my friend. One of my best friends, Katie Reiber, was blunt with me once this past summer. I was really upset because I couldn’t go on the Costa Rica mission’s trip anymore because of my seizures. I was texting her about it, and she told me, “Try to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It isn’t that bad; you get to go in December.” Reading that for the first time hurt like crap. Who was she to tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself? But I looked back over it, again and again. She wasn’t trying to hurt me; she was being brutally honest. And because I was focusing on the bad so much, I couldn’t enjoy the good that was happening to me.

*****

Ah, the stressors of life. Life just sucks sometimes. But you gotta deal with it. Stress is a huge part of my life. I have to deal with watching what I eat, taking all my medicine at the right time, all my homework, dealing with friends, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s really hard for me to accept that I’m not good at everything. So that puts a lot of stress on my life. Stress can set off an ‘attack’ or ‘episode.’ So I’m trying to learn how to control my stress.
Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fail.

Dear Diary,
This year I’m taking some extremely hard classes, and I’m sort of stressing out about them. I mean, I love the classes I am taking, but it doesn’t change the fact that they are going to be hard. I just need to relax; because stressing myself over this kind of stuff isn’t going to do anything for me.

*****
Hmmm… to ponder.

A calm pond. A stone, smooth as glass; the stone is thrown across the calm pond. Ripples…ripples…
Sunset. Purple-pink-orange-gold. Light the rippling pond.
Beauty.
A deer grazing in a green pasture; a perfect pasture. Dew settled.
Rainbow. A beautiful rainbow; distinct colors.
A rainbow over the pastures where the young foe grazes.
Love. The endless tunnel of mystery. Filled with diamonds and jewels. The cavern of the fathomless.
This is Life.

*****

You know, life isn’t all that complicated when you think about it. Sure, you’ve got the trials. But the hardships are the speck in a speck of dust when compared to the glory that’s yet to come. Ah, the joys. Oh, the pains. In the end it’s alright. Just look. There’s glory everywhere. God’s in control; it’s as simple as that. Repent, and your saved. You screw God, you’re screwed in return. Have fun in hell. Yeah, I’m blunt; but only when it comes to the truth. And trust me, this is the truth.

Dear Diary,
I know that it’s been a while, and trust me, I regret that. I really should be spending more time getting my feelings out. It’s been so rough on me. I’m sick of everything that’s been going on. Softball tryouts were this past week. Guess who didn’t get to be there? And it’s just going to get worse. I’ve cried out to God and I just don’t feel like he is listening. I’m really starting to hate some people at school now. There are the rumors that I’m faking this. Why the heck would I fake something like this? I can’t play softball, I can’t drive…I’m constantly building up all these emotions.

Dear Diary,
I’m so exhausted. I can feel my strength crumbling. I’m crying all the time. My self esteem is lower than it’s been in a long time. It’s crazy. Every time I am starting to feel up something brings me down. I hurt all the time. So much. I feel along; I don’t feel God’s presence and I can feel the devil screwing with my head but I can’t make it stop and it’s so much. I just want to stop breaking down. I’m sick of it and everything. I’m sick of trying to be the perfect child and sick of hurting and trying to live up to the expectations that I have set for myself even though I can just feel that they are too high to handle. I want to get perfect grades and feel beautiful and be a roll model for my siblings and I want to be a Godly woman and a dependable daughter and a kind friend…I want all these things, even though I know that it sets my stress level even higher. I’m such a freaking perfectionist but I can’t help it. I need a break. God, please help me. I’m going crazy over the trifles.
Proverbs 23:15-16
My son, if your heart is wise, then my heart will be glad;
My inmost being will rejoice when your lips speak what is right.

Why should I care what others think of me? If what I’m doing is right in God’s eyes, then I shouldn’t have a problem that. But, like every other teenager, I do. I pray daily asking God to help me get over my fear on how I am viewed. Because if Someone like God can forgive me, then I am definitely good enough for them.

*****

I’m once again, being plagued by (here comes that word again!) stress. It’s such a simple word; only six little letters. But it holds power behind it; too much power. I’m like a balloon; stress fills me up, and one day, I just pop. The headaches that come from it… it isn’t worth it. But, I am a stressor, and I always will be. Some changes are for the good…but the change that I made into being a stressor is nowhere near that. And the change back will be nearly impossible to make.
Ever since I got this shot, I feel like stress is the inevitable. Like right now, I am getting a D- in geometry. I have never done anywhere near that bad in a class before. (I am an A and B student. Mostly straight A’s… at least, I was that way… before I got the vaccine.) And my geometry teacher doesn’t give me any grace. All my other teachers are willing to work with me; they understand that I am going through a really tough phase and that I don’t always have the time to do my homework. But my geometry teacher expects the absolute most out of me. For instance, I missed four days of school last week, and if you are in a tough math class, you can understand that you cannot teach yourself math. You have to be there to learn it. So anyways, when I got back they were just taking a quiz that day. When I asked him when I should make it up, he said the next day. I was about ready to pop. I already had so much make-up work… there was no way on earth that I could do that.
So I asked him, “Is there any possible way that I could take the quiz on Monday?” (It was Friday) “I already have a ton of work to do.” He sighed and said, “I guess we could do that,” like it was some big deal. But I still knew that I wouldn’t be ready for that quiz Monday. I needed time. Time that I wasn’t given.
This shot is taking over the best years of my life. I mean, aren’t we supposed to enjoy these years? I miss so much school because of my health; and because of that, my grades have suffered. Some of my teachers understand. Two are really great about it…but it doesn’t change the fact that I have to hurt because of Gardasil.

Dear Diary,
I’m hurting. I feel all alone even though I am surrounded by people. People who care; people who don’t. Those who believe me; those who mock me. It’s a roller coaster of emotions. Can’t I have some grace? I’m already dealing with so much. The pain, both emotional and physical, is overwhelming. I’ve had so many tests done. I swear, they’ve virtually drained me of blood. I have scars in my arms where they have taken it. I’m sick of people looking at me with pity and disgust. One girl even freaked out about standing near me because she was afraid that I was contagious. Yeah; that’s right. She was worried about herself.
Come on people! Just give me some freaking grace!

******

January 8th of 2010, my friend Katie told me about how her church was doing this 21 day fast. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I am an extremely avid reader. I’ve finished ten books in one week before. So I decided that I was going to give up reading any other books but the bible for the 21 days.
A couple days later, my health teacher handed out a rubric for a project that we had to do. It was a goal project. We had to set our goal, periodically turn in a paragraph about how far we have progressed, and then try to accomplish the goal by May 14th of this year.
I decided that I would go ahead and just do the same thing that I was doing for the 21 day fast; but to make it interesting, I decided that I would try to finish the bible by the end of the project. Yep…that’s only four months. But I know that reading just the bible instead of all that other junk that fills my head with nonsense will bring me a lot closer to got. It will help me grow both spiritually and emotionally.
One of the first books that I read was the book of Job. Job was a man who found favor in the Lord’s eyes because he was pure in heart. Satan made somewhat of a deal with God; he told God to take away everything Job had and make him hurt, and if Job cursed God, then Satan could ‘take him’ (in other words, Job would die and go to Hell.) So God took away Job’s servants, live-stalk, land, etc.
Job continuously cried out to God. He kept asking him ‘why’ over and over again. But there was no answer. Job’s friends kept telling him that he must have done something terrible in the eyes of God, or else he would not have been given so much pain.
But through his suffering, Job did not once curse the Lord. He complained, whined, cried, screamed… but he didn’t curse God.
Finally, God answered Job. In a nutshell, God told Job bluntly, “You don’t know what the reasons were; therefore you can’t decide whether or not what I did was justified. I had my reasons, and that is good enough.” One of my favorite verses in Job is when God says, “What is the way to the abode of light? And where does the darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? Surely you know, for you were already born!”
Ouch. That was a total BURN! moment by God. He’s proving a point to Job… That He is the only one who knows everything, because He made everything. The last sentence holds a hint of sarcasm…because Job wasn’t there when God created the earth, so Job doesn’t know everything.
My point is that my story is a lot like Job’s. I’ve cried out to God over and over again to no avail. I’ve gotten mad at God and screamed and cried and pleaded…and there was no answer. And there may never be an answer. God never actually told Job why he made him suffer; but there was a good reason behind his suffering. God isn’t hurting me just because He can. He isn’t hurting me because He wants to. He has a reason behind it, and that reason is going to shape me into a strong woman of Christ; whether He decides to reveal it or not.

*******

One of the hardest things that I have to deal with is the people. You have no idea how many times that I walk through the halls and hear whispers about me. Whether its people making fun of me, people spreading rumors… whatever it is, it always hurts. I try to do the right thing. I try to treat everybody equally and be nice to everyone. Most of the time, my heart is pure in what I do. But some people don’t take that into consideration. They focus on my faults.
A year and a half ago, I went to my freshman semiformal with a guy I really liked. He seemed really nice. Very innocent, really sweet… about a week after the dance he asked me out. Of course, I said yes. I really liked him. But about a month later I broke up with him; it didn’t really feel like a relationship. And do you know what he did? He went around imitating my seizures. And it was just because I broke up with him. That killed me. It stills hurts, over a year later.
I know that it’s hard for some people to be able to understand what I go through; I can accept that. Not everybody is going to be able to empathize… in fact, not many are able to. But what I don’t understand is why there is a group of people that don’t even care; some, on even higher levels, that spread rumors or make fun. One time I was on the way back from the nurse’s office when I walked into the classroom and a guy asked me if I was pregnant. I was thinking, pregnant? seriously?!? I mean, come on guys, this is me you’re talking to. I’m the epitome of innocence!
Of course, this guy didn’t know, but its little comments like that, that can get rumors started.
I’m the type of person who is super sensitive when it comes to my friends feelings. I never want to hurt anyone. But, inevitably, I do. One of my really good friends’ brother has become very close to me. We have so much in common and he is one of the sweetest most God-loving guys that you’d ever know. He is so supportive of me; he constantly builds me up and makes me feel like I can achieve the impossible. He told me, “When I see you, I don’t see a girl who has seizures or has to eat organic foods. I see a girl who is strong, a light for all the other girls dealing with what you are.” Honestly, my heart swelled when I read this. But when it came to the choice of liking him or not; I couldn’t bring myself to. I wish I could. He’s so amazing. But I just don’t think of him that way. He’s always been so supportive; one of the few guys who are. He is very special to me; I hope he knows that.

“There is a far Greater Power in this world Who is working behind your destiny, and Mine.” –Aslan
This quote is from the Chronicles of Narnia, the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Aslan portrays Jesus in the movie, and when he talks about a greater power, he is talking about God. In the book of Matthew, Jesus is constantly reminding people that he is only the Son of God; God is the only one that controls our destiny… and right now He is working behind mine. The seizures are his way of strengthening me for what is yet to come. Another quote from that movie is made by Beaver when Lucy, Edmond, Susan, and Peter are in their dam. This is one of my dad’s favorite quotes; mine too. Beaver is talking about the Prophesy, and how Aslan prophesized that two sons of Adam and two daughters of Eve would come to Narnia and save them from the White Witch, who portrays Satan. After Beaver explains the Prophesy, he gets very serious, and with a face of pure awe, he says, “Aslan is on the move.” In simpler words; Jesus’ power is moving.

Yesterday in biology one of my friends, Alexis, was talking about softball. I said, “I miss softball.” She asked if I felt bad when she talked about it. I said no; then I realized something… I was telling the truth. Hearing about softball helped me keep my connection with it.

James 5:11
As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion.

Dear Diary,
Its been over a month since I've had a seizure. It's been so incredible. But I still hurt because I can still hear the comments. Latst night I went to the softball game. I had lots of fun watching the girls play... but every time someone made a good play or got a great hit, I felt bad, wishing that I could be out there with them. I can't even be manager which is even more suckish. One of the girls on Varsity was talking about a party after practice - right there in front of me. Of course she wasn't trying to hurt me, she's a really sweet girl. But I still felt bad. It's inevitable that I will. Every time I see them laughing together I feel so left out. I wish I didn't- I wish I could just tuck my feelings away in a bottle and then throw the bottle away. But I can't. My heart just aches. I'm so happy for those girls when they win; I love encouraging them when no one else can. And that makes me feel better. I know that I am different... but I suppose that it's my differences that make me special.

I've just realized lately how much I miss food. Breat, butter, chocolate, cheescake, pizza, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. Of course, this diet is really helping. My party cake was a gluten-dairy-kasiene-soy-sugar free chocolate cake. And it was absolutely delicious. So yeah, there are defintely ups to this diet. Some of the things I get to eat are great. One of my favorites is asparagus cooked in coconut oil with mushrooms. But then there is the absolutely delicious (not) steamed brusselsprots and cabbage. We've experimented with food... like a homemade margarita pizza (gluten free crust with organic tomatoes and basil... don't know why they call it a margarita pizza... there's nothing alcoholic about it :]).

I tried out for the talent show yesterday. I'm singing Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew. It is definitely one of my favorite songs, if not my favortie. It talks about God's unfailing love and grace. I used it for my honors english powerpoint over the Holocaust. It was my favorite project that I have ever done. It made my powerpoint all the more powerful.

*******
Summer is finally here. Thank goodness! Sometimes I wonder if there could even possibly be more drama at high school than there already is? But, my facebook status right now is, "I cried when I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no legs" (Persian proverb). It shows that things could be a heck of a lot worse. But most of the time, (and I guarantee there are people out there like this too) I hate it when people tell me that. You know, that life could be worse, that there are 'starving children in Africa, and at least you aren't one of them.' And while I understand that, it hurts that they don't understand the kind of pain that I am in. There is a verse that I found that always makes me feel better when I read it. And it is incredibly powerful. It comes from the book of John; chapter 9 verse 3. God is talking to his disciples, and they are wondering what a man had done so wrong to deserve to be blind. God answers them, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

********
"There can be no good without evil." -Chinese Proverb
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"If we love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love." -Mother Theresa

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Dear Diary,
Don't you absolutely love it when you already have been having a crappy day and then something else happens that just tops it all off? Well, that happened to me. I've bee get the silent treatment for over the past month from on of my really good friends - and it's over the stupidest miscommunications. Boy, can that girl hold a grudge. I made a comment, which I know now was wrong, but she took it way out of context. She has said some really hurtful things since then. I need my friends right now; and this honestly doesn't help. I even sent her a long email explaining everything and apologizing, and then right when I thought that things were getting better, she sent me a nasty text. So I am done apologizing. I mean, we are NOT in first grade. I know I shouldn't have said what I said, but this has blown way out of proportion.
*****
I had decided that it was time for me to take action. Not just hear about everyone else talking about it and trying to spread the word as best as I could…No. I needed to make a change myself. So I was going to send a letter to Merck, the company that approved Gardasil. Here was the letter.
“Dear” Merck,
My name is Taylor. I am a normal sixteen year old girl who loves hanging out with friends and playing softball. At least, I used to be.
When I was thirteen years old, I received the Gardasil vaccination. It took away my life. I have had violent seizures, gone through extreme pain, paralysis, extreme migraines, passing out, etc. etc. etc… I want my life back. To you, this may just be another sob-story. I’m just one girl in the world who has had some of the most important things in my life taken away from me. This year, I couldn’t play on my high school softball team because I was a liability. Last year, after getting the best hit of my season, I had a seizure in the middle of the outfield and sprained my knee; that ended the season for me, and it was only half way over. I had to postpone my mission’s trip and couldn’t even fully participate in it, I haven’t been able to go to Cedar Point for the past two years with my youth group, and I can’t even take Drivers ED. I have to be on a diet now where I can’t have gluten, dairy, sugar, casein, or soy; mostly vegetables and fruits, and even those are supposed to be organic. Only free-range meats and wild-caught fish. Do you even know what that limits me to?
One of the worst parts is knowing that you just gave six-million dollars so that third-world countries can receive this vaccine. Sure, it seems like the right thing to do, but I have family living there. Maybe not actual biological family…but we just sponsored two little girls from Kenya; and knowing that they might die because of this hurts more than anything I have been going through combined. Did you even know that four little girls died right after receiving this vaccination, and that over seventy-five have died here in the United States? I’m sure you do; but to you, this is just seventy-five deaths. But what if that was your kid? That would change everything, wouldn’t it? But what you don’t realize is that these are other people’s children. These are other people’s sisters and brothers and nieces and grandchildren…But so long as it’s not you being affected, it doesn’t matter, does it.
You don’t realize the pain that we all are going through. I am one of the most God-loving young women that you will ever meet. I know that this is happening to me for a reason, and I know that whatever happens to me, I’ll always have my family and God. But what about those other children that aren’t as lucky as I am? What about the other children in the third-world countries that you are ‘helping’? They don’t have the resources that the rest of us do, and that is truly despicable.
I don’t care if you are making millions. I don’t care if you think you are doing the right think. And I especially don’t care if this will ruin your business. Because what you are showing the world right now, is that money matters more to you than the lives of others. And the only thing that can really make me feel better right now, is knowing that you are going to have to live with this for the rest of your lives.
I’m praying that you will all have a change of heart; and I’m praying that you will put a stop to this before even more people have to be affected.

One of the few affected girls,
Taylor

Pretty dramatic, huh? I showed my parents and my dad asked me why I was sending it. I told him I wanted to let Merck know what they were doing to all of us; but then he said if I wanted to change their hearts, there was a better way to do it. Because to him, it sounded like I was just venting my anger. At first, I was really upset. Of course I had a right to be mad, you know? But then I realized that he was right. I was just sending this letter as a way to vent. So I rewrote it; here is the revision letter.

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Taylor. I am a sixteen year old girl, and three years ago, I received the Gardasil vaccination. I had a pretty normal life, as normal as a teenager’s life can be, that is. But after receiving this vaccination, life just…changed. And it was not for the better, trust me. I have had more violent seizures that you can count, passed out too many times to remember, have gotten extreme migraines to the point where I am locked in a room, and gone through pain that you may never experience through the rest of your lives. I have pretty much have had my life taken away from me. I played on my high school softball team, was looking forward to a mission’s trip, was thoroughly involved in every activity my youth group had, and loved hanging out with my friends. But all of a sudden it just changed: I could not play softball anymore and I had to postpone my mission’s trip; I cannot get my driver’s license, and I cannot be as involved with my youth group as I want to be. Because my immune system is so low, I have to be on a diet where I cannot have any gluten, dairy, sugar, soy, or casein; most of the fruits and vegetables I have to eat must be organic, the meats have to be free-range, and the fish must be wild-caught.
I hope that this does not sound like another sob-story to you, because it is not what this is. I want you to know that the things you have been hearing about this vaccination are real, and that it is affecting people’s lives. Over seventy girls have died and thousands are affected. And that is in the United States, where we have the resources that third-world countries do not have. I bring this up because I know that you just donated a lot of money so that third-world countries could receive the Gardasil vaccination. And it does sound like a good thing to do, and I am sure that your hearts are in the right place. I know that you are not wishing harm on people, but giving this vaccination to girls in places where they will not get the medical help they will need is not the right thing to do. My family just recently sponsored two little girls from Kenya, and knowing they could die terrifies me.
To you, this may be just seventy-five deaths, or just a couple-thousand of people affected. But you can’t truly know what we all are going through until you or someone you love is directly hurt through this. And we are hurting. More than you could ever know.
John 9:3 says, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” I know that what has happened to me has happened to me for a reason. God is doing this so that He can show himself through me. And although it doesn’t justify what has been done, it gives me some hope knowing that I will be able to show God’s love, and show that He hasn’t given up on me.
Not recalling this vaccine is basically telling people that you care more about money than their lives. I know that that isn’t the case; I know that you didn’t set out to hurt people, and I know that your hearts’ were in the right place. But this vaccination has done so much more harm then good.
I pray that you have a change in heart, and I pray that you put a stop so that it will in turn stop damaging people’s lives; even taking it away from them.

Sincerely,
Taylor

I can already tell that this is a heck of a lot better of a letter. I haven’t shown it to my parents yet, because I don’t know if I am going to send it. But I do think it’s a better way to show them what they are doing and to help them know that they need to put an end to it.

*******
It had been our first day in Costa Rica; and already I felt like a spoiled brat. Seeing all they have (lack-there-of) makes me ache inside. A young man that I have gotten to know shared his testimony to me; he lost one of the most important things in life but prayed and prayed until he knew that God still loved him. His love for Christ is more than I can even fathom. He has this hope and lives life with this joy that is just so contagious…It makes me re-examine my own life. The youth here did a skit that showed a girl coming to Christ and then being separated from Him by all the materialistic things in life, and they rip her away from Him. Even as she fights her way she is still separated and can’t back to Him. But then He comes and He protects her. He shields her from all the bad and evil and shows her mercy and forgiveness. It just got to me soooo much. I’m still tearing up about it. It’s just so perfect at showing how God loves us and the way he takes care of us. I want to change the world and take away all the hurt and pain from these people. I want them to know that there is another way; that there is a Hell, but there is also a Heaven.
I see all of this of these people; how they can have their lives taken away from them but still find the strength to love God. It’s almost as if that is the only hope they have left. And then I take a look at my life; how I’m dealing with my seizures and illnesses and this diet…and how it can’t even compare to how they are living. And they are so proud of the little that they have. One of our driver’s, Manuel (pronounced Ma-no-lo) talked to us when we were on our way to feeding the homeless. He said that we are never content with what we have. We have an ipod, but we want the new ipod-touch. We have a computer, but we want the newest one. We are never content with our lives; I’m never content with my life. I want more and more…I want answers and healing and all the pain to go away; but I have to accept that I may never get answers. I may never be healed, and that I may be in pain the rest of my life. But for now, I have to be content with that.

The next day in Costa Rica was fun, but exhausting. We had been going to the apartments where the people lived that had come up from the Hole. The people there…they have this hope that affects me in ways that I can’t even explain. I want to cry for them, but they don’t need my tears; they need my love. I think that they are changing my life more than I am changing theirs .I wish that we could have stayed longer because it was such a great experience. It makes me want to do something; to change the ways that I live. They are all so proud of what they have, and when I say that, I mean lack-there-of. And then I look at myself, who is complaining that I don’t have enough or that I got something that I didn’t want. But at least I had lunch today. At least I have a warm bed to sleep in tonight. Some of these houses…it’s like they are living in their own prison. But they are so content with what they have. That young man’s story has affected me the most, I think. Just because it was so touching, and how happy the ending was. I think that what I am going through is bad, but when I see all this poverty it puts me back into my place. I need to pray for these people, to let them know that there is an alternative to Hell and the alternative is Jesus Christ, and the hope that He gives us is real. My faith needs to be stronger…it has to be. Because what kind of example am I setting as a Christian to these people? I love God with my entire heart, but I need to live like that; and most importantly, show others that.
This was my essay about last year’s trip to Costa Rica…I wrote it for my Honors English class and loved sharing about it.
Costa Rica
Psalm 9:10 says, “Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.” I kept this verse on mind while traveling with my dad and a group of four others to San Jose, Costa Rica, on December 3rd of 2009. Our mission: to strengthen their hearts by providing them with knowledge on Christianity as well as giving them a Christmas.
We arrived in Los Quitos at 1:00 a.m. (American time). A man named Monolo was providing our transportation. Monolo was one of the kindest, most giving people that I met in Costa Rica. Not once did he complain about having to sit in a hot van for hours at a time while we handed out flyers or visited ‘houses.’
Monolo drove us to where we were staying; a place called the Score House, provided by Score International. Staying at the house with us was a man named Jose. We didn’t see much of Jose, but he always made sure that our group was comfortable.
The next day, we woke up at about six in the morning to go zip lining. (Don’t get the wrong idea – this was the only sort of recreation we had while in Los Quitos.) Our guide for zip lining was this super crazy guy who called himself Tom Cruise. The first thing he said to us was, “Are you ready to die?” He made us rub mud on our face and then dressed up like a Super Hero.
We walked straight up the jungle for about three miles; through rocky streams and over steep rope bridges. But the view was completely worth it. Not even pictures can do it justice.
After zip lining and eating a hearty lunch, we went down to The Hole. One of the first things that strikes my mind whilst remembering The Hole is the verse of Matthew 5:3. It says, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” I cannot even begin to describe The Hole. These people were literally living in shacks. There were electrical cords just stripped from one house to another; extremely dangerous if you had touched them. The ‘roofs’ were cloths strung over the top of the shacks. There was a huge river splitting The Hole in two, and to get to the other side you had to cross a thin wooden board. The stairs were stone and extremely steep. I saw teenage girls, some even my age, carrying babies (that were their own). Girls even younger than me were married. Although first arriving at The Hole, we were met by the Church’s youth group.
We had met up with Pastor Gabriel and one of his daughter’s, Gabby. After they both got out, at least thirteen more did. In a ten person van! Some of these people included Jon Paul and Gustavo, who are both fourteen; Christian, who is sixteen; and Kimberly and Stephanie who are both fifteen. I can’t begin to tell you how I felt when I met these kids. They had hearts of gold. They joked and laughed with each other, and were generous in everything they did. Together, we passed out flyers telling everyone in The Hole to come to a Carnival the next day. On the flyer said, “Come to the Carnival, there are North American’s who want to spend time with you!” in Spanish.
That night when we returned to the Score House, I met a girl named Nair Molina Yalul. Nair is seventeen years old and from Panama. She traveled on a bus for eighteen hours just to help us on this mission’s trip. Nair is a beautiful girl, inside and out. She is one of the most selfless people in the world. Never once did I see her complain about the work and sleep (or lack there of). She helped us all throughout the next day and with many tears said goodbye to travel back home.
The next day was the Carnival. The Carnival was one of my favorite parts of the trip. There was face painting, soccer, parachute games, fingernail painting, and so much more. I helped with the sack races and the parachute games. It was almost one-hundred degrees, there were over three-hundred people their not including the parents, and we were outside in the blazing sun for over four hours. But it was all worth it. Seeing these families opened up my mind. Although some didn’t know Christ, those who did were so incredibly strong in Him that you could forget all about where you were or about what you were doing. Another verse I thought of is Mathew 5:5, “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”
The last thing that we did at the Carnival was to pass out tickets for the movie that night. We were watching “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.” I just laughed along with everyone else- the whole movie was in Spanish. The movie isn’t what I remembered from that night though. It was the Christmas.
Our Church had gathered over five-hundred bags filled with gifts for the babies, kids, and teenagers. We saved the bags for the teens for the next day… but the faces of the kids when they received their gifts… it was priceless. There were about a billion Kodac moments. There were tears, and laughs, but most of all there was complete surprise. Hands down, my favorite part on the trip was getting to see these kid’s faces when they got their gifts.
That Sunday, the sixth of December, was our last day. We traveled for about two hours to a place called ‘Camp Brittany’ where we met up with the teens from Pastor Gabriel’s church for a retreat. My dad did a sermon which he called, “This Little Light of Mine.” He got everyone up and laughing. It was great. Later me and a bunch of other teenagers went down to the ravine and swam. It was one of the most beautiful places that I have ever seen. There were little waterfalls and lush trees with fresh fruits on them.
When we all got out of the ravine the guys and I went to play some soccer. Afterwards they wanted us to teach them how to play football… American football. One of the most comical parts was that they didn’t get the concept of two hand tap or of no holding. I got knocked down so many times that I got bruised. I was also guarded by one of the two guys that would just grab you around the arms so you couldn’t go out for a pass. It was so much fun. It was one of the best experiences of my life.
Leaving was a bittersweet moment. People were crying on both sides but there were plenty of hugs and kisses to go around. We each got a card from them with bible verses and thank you’s written all over them. But what I realized on the plane ride home was how great of an experience it was for me. It brought me so much closer to God; so close it’s almost unfathomable. I came to realize that I wasn’t living my life the way I should be. I love God with all my heart, always have and always will, but this trip really opened up my eyes. The generosity and selflessness combined with a passion for Christ was enough to last me a lifetime.
Combining all these stories together is easy. It takes just two verses; Job 5:15-16, “He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth; He saves them from the clutches of the powerful. So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts its mouth.”

*********
The other day I looked on facebook and saw that someone had posted something about hating Drivers Ed. It’s the stuff like that that makes me sort of upset; it makes me want to post a comment or write on their wall and tell them to stop complaining, because at least they can take Drivers Ed. I understand that it may be hard, and it may be boring, but I would give up a heck of a lot to be able to take it. It’s the little things like that that irritate me; and I know it isn’t exactly right, because it isn’t their fault that I can’t take Drivers Ed, or that I can’t play softball. I need to work on that…and I honestly do think that I have gotten better at it.

If only life were that simple.

2010-03-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were young and everything was just set out for you like a picnic table? Don't touch that, don't eat this, don't talk to so and so... My point is, it's not like that when you grow up. We're kind of deceived when we're children. Life isn't like what it's made out to be when we're little. We have to make our own decisions, and accept the consequences when that decision is wrong. There are going to be challenges... there already are challenges. Even if it's as simple as what to wear to school that day. It's still a decision that you have to make on your own. We can't count on our mom's to pick out our outfits for the rest of our lives.
As for me, I want to take control of my life ASAP.
My best friend told me about this 21 day fast. I decided I was going to do it. I was going to fast not reading any other books but the bible for the next three weeks. Now, those who know me know that I am a crazy reader. I once read a 900 page book in 5 hours straight. So this was a HUGE deal for me. But I knew that it would be worth it; it would be like a brain diet, so to say. My mind would be cleansed from all that pointless junk I was always filling it with.
But then, starting about a week after I began the fast, my health class had to start a health goal project; attempting to fulfill whatever goal we chose by May 14th. I decided that I was going to keep doing what I had been doing for the past week, but also try to finish the bible.
By doing this, I'm hoping to not only bring myself closer to God, but to also point my life in the direction it needs to be pointed. To train my mind to make the right decisions, no matter hard the right decision may be.

Believe

2010-03-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

Believe in the Lord your God, for He created you.
Believe in what He can do; because nothing is impossible for Him.

Believe in what you cannot see, for God is just that.
Believe in what you can feel, for God is also that.

And believe in yourself, for God created you to be just who you are.

Don't you hate it when...

2010-03-13T14:29:00.000-08:00

Don't you hate it when people say
You'll laugh at this in 10 years
It won't matter in the long run
Life isn't fair
Just deal with it
They're in a better place
It's for a reason
Don't give up
You're being so strong

I know I do.

Quote from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

2010-01-04T15:40:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite quotes; it's long but powerful

"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo.
Full of darkness and danger they were.
And sometimes you didn't want to know the end.
Because how could the end be happy?
How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.
Even darkness must pass.
A new day will come.
And when the sun shines it will shine out all the clearer.
Those were the stories that stayed with you.
That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand.
I know now.
Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't.
They kept going because they were holding on to something."

"What are we holding on to, Sam?"

"There's some good in this world Mr. Frodo.
And it's worth fighting for."

Scientific 'Reasoning'

2009-12-10T15:33:00.000-08:00

Think about this and tell me how it doesn't contradict itself.

In biology II a couple weeks ago, our teacher had us draw what is called a 'lipid bilayer'.
A lipid bilayer is within the cell membrane.
A cell membrane ALONE is the thickness equivelant to a piece of computer paper being sliced FIVE HUNDRED TIMES, through the paper's thickness.
Now think about how small a lipid bilayer would be, if it is only part of a cell membrane.
Now our teacher is an athiest.
In other words, he believes in no God.
But how does he read what he reads and see what he sees without believing.
Drawing a lipid bilayer was one of the most COMPLEX things I have ever drawn.
How on earth can someone see that, and then still claim that we magically appeared?

One of my favorite movies, "A Walk to Remember," holds one of my favorite lines.
He asks her, "How can you be so sure about what you believe?"
And she answers, "It's like the wind... you can't see it, but you can feel it."

Think about that. How incredible that is.
How can you see the world and not believe?
You aren't doing anything for yourself by denying the truth.
And don't just take MY word for it, take GOD'S.

Golden Sunrise, Purple Sunset

2009-10-24T08:22:00.001-07:00

This started out as a poem. I'm not sure how it ended. I could just feel the Lord speaking through me.

The simplistic things can't fill me up,
Nor can the materialistic
So I sought Another, One far greater
Than anything fathomable

It arose in me,
Like a golden sunrise
And it filled me with wonder,
Like watching a purple sunset

I felt as if
I were soaring on eagles wings
And I have known
No greater pleasure

It was as if I had
Come alive again
And the Spirit within me,
He rejoiced

As did the angels
In the Heavens

There is supposedly logic
Behind everything
Classified as scientific
Reasoning

Yet how can one see
Such a perfect
Golden sunrise, and purple sunset
And still not believe in the Savior?

For just as the angels rejoice
When one comes to see the Lord
As do the demons when
A soul has been corrupted

But all
Is not lost,
For Christ granted us
The gift of redemption

Allow yourself to be taken
In the grasp of the
Omnipotent

But be wary
Avoid succumbing to the
Evils of this
Materialistic world

Salvation is so near,
One need only to
Grasp it as I have done

And one day I know
That I will be face to face

With He who creates
The golden sunrise
And the purple sunset

Beautiful Mountain

2009-10-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

This is a poem/song I wrote. It's meant to show the love of God... And how powerful He is

Beautiful mountain over the sea
Powerful sunrise obscured by the trees
Sparkling snow laid out by Your hands
A face more glorious than any mans

I'm mystified in Your presence
Stunned beyond comprehension
Glorified by Your wonder
And I know when this life is done

That I'll be in Your arms
With all my worries gone
It's fathomless, Your love for me
But now I see the sun once hidden by the trees

You're invisible to the eye
But I can feel You in my heart
Please Lord, please glorify
And shape me as Your art

I'm terrified by you
But my love is unfailing
As Yours for me is too
Your fathomless, uncomprehendable love

When will You come
To save me from this place
To renew my heart
And let me see Your face

So I can be in Your arms
With all my worries gone
It's fathomless, Your love for me
But now I see the sun once hidden by the trees

Facemask

2009-10-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a while ago. It was meant to be a song, but I couldn't make it long enough so I just made it into a poem. Its about how we cover our real selves and be who others want us to be.

Covering my face
Hiding the real me
I want to escape this place
Be who I want to be

A shield over my heart
A mask over my eyes
I wanna fresh restart
To stay in-between the lines.

So God please give me none more chance
To show You the real me
I won't try to enhance,
Myself, and then You'll see

I need a part of You
Inside my life
I promise I'll be true
And no longer I will strive

To be sombody else,
Because I'm good enough for me.
And now I can say I've felt
The real meaning of free.